Tell us what you really think !

Well here we are, three days away from New Year’s Eve and the 2nd annual Final Four of College football. By now you have read all the reasons each team can win and heard enough game dissection to make you think they played the damn games already. Did any of it sound like this?
“We’ve got to leave it all out on the field and take it to them before they take it to us. While this might not be “our house” since it is a neutral field, we don’t want them coming in thinking they own us. We don’t fear them, we might not even respect them, but at least we can hate them like an enemy that wants to come in and kill our family, pillage our village, and steal all of our snacks before kickoff. We did not work all season only to let the jaws of defeat come in and ruin what is ours. We must be rabid dogs willing to bite and kick and maim and sweat and punt and destroy the fuck out of our opponent, as long as we are willing to wait for the long TV timeouts with the fat bastards eating fast foods while we stand in the huddle waiting for the ESPN guy to tell us it is ok to start maiming again. We need to be able to turn that shit on at the drop of a hat, play through the whistle, and look at the man across from me with a hatred only reserved for telemarketers and small whiny children. We have looked at the eyes of adversity all year, kept playing when no one said we could win. We have been disrespected, under-rated, overlooked and passed by as a patsy for too long. This is now our time, the moment to shine, to take this opportunity before us and not piss it away like we once did after our 7th beer and we had broken the seal and had to pee every five minutes. No one is going to hand us this victory. They wrote us off after we fell behind, left us for dead on the side of the road after being pushed out of a moving vehicle. No one knows that feeling better than we do. We have come together as one unit, standing arm in arm, sometimes showering together in awkward silence through victory after victory. Ok, perhaps we went too far in the information area there, but won’t let that distraction keep us from winning the title. This game is for our families, our fans, our stalkers that dress up in face paint even in the off season. This is for the crazy lunatics waving our flag through the streets doing 60 MPH, not caring whether they live or die, as long as they can let the townsfolk know that our team is the best, even if they wind up on the side of the road, all beat up and dis-respected. We need to be an alley cat in this game coming up, scratching and clawing and coughing up fur balls of opponents, making them our she-bitch for the next 4 quarters, as disturbing as that sounds. We will hold no quarter, leave no downfield block unblocked, take no prisoners unless they can cook, take it one down at a time, and drink plenty of fluids. Let there be no doubt, this is no time to get complacent. That guy on the other side of the ball would lacerate my spleen if he could, and for that we must respect him. We must also have him screened for weapons at the coin toss. Take nothing for granted, and prepare for all contingencies. When they think we will call heads, we will say tails. When they think we will defer to the 2nd half, take the ball and jam it down their throat. When they think you will punt, go ahead and punt because going for it on 4th and 23 after the QB got concussed for the 3rd time this half is just plain stupid. Always keep them guessing, even on the toppings of hot dog preference during halftime. We did not make it this far by moxie or wherewithal or fortuitiveness or even physicality. Sometimes you need to look your foe in the eye and talk some smash mouth grind it out donnybrook three yards and a cloud of man up. When this game is over, we want them to know that they have been in a fight, a brouhaha unlike another other, where they will be so sore their unborn grandchildren will feel it well into next week. And when the fight is over, we will pick ourselves up and congratulate each other on a battle well fought, we will have earned the respect of all that have cable service, or at least those that chose to watch instead of the World Series of Poker. This is going to be the biggest game of our young lives, one that we have spent our childhood preparing for, as father chucked football after football at our nuts since we were old enough to crawl. The time for talk is finally over. We need to bring the world of hurt on them like a rabid gladiator takes on 2 lions and some big dude that always gets killed due to lack of mobility. We need to be as agile as a cougar, or a fox, or some other animal that is fast. We need to jump on them early and score as much as possible, because that is the object of the game. But if we do fall behind, it needs to be Katie bar the door in the 2nd half, as we will coming after you like a crazy snake or some insurance guy that won’t stop calling you. Finally, it is time to lace them up and knock them down. It is crunch time, time to separate the men from the children, put the kids to bed and tell the wife to get some take-out pizza, and then pray she ever comes back because you were just a dick to her. It is kick off, and we are going to take them downtown, lock them up and throw away the key. All of which will make scoring in the 2nd half that much easier. And when we win, we get to do it all over again 10 days from now when you ask me the same questions. “

So there you have it, the answer to every sports question ever asked. I may have saved you hours of reading and/or watching sports pre game shows. That will give you plenty of extra time to put face paint on…

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