I know that news is nothing compared to the rioting that occurred somewhere on the planet today, or that the 12th layer of the ozone melted without anyone noticing, but the first day of school around here is a big deal, especially when it comes to my daughter returning to her beloved Math class. She has offered a limb never to take another Math class, but the state school board rejected that offer as that quota was reached back in 1987. I however was quite the Math whiz in my elementary days and have written the following new Math problems below to modernize what is truly an outdated subject. Take the quiz and see how you do.. If you get all 5 questions right, there promises to be a new wing built for you in your local hospital’s psychiatric wing. Questions are in order of increased difficulty, so sharpen your pencils, and get to it.

- Johnny has 2 marbles to play with. His best friend Jordy gives him 2 more marbles. How long is it until lunch time ?
- There is a 75% chance that Johnson has a major social disease. His neighbor Rocko has a 50% chance of that same disease, with some added rectal discomfort. State the probability that they picked it up at the same State Fair..
- Jane has 7 miles to walk. She walks at 5 miles an hour. George has 6 miles to walk. He walks at 4 miles an hour. Nelson says fuck you both I am driving a block to the store. If they all leave at the same time, which one scores the most crack ?
- A plane leaves Chicago headed for Dallas. At the same time another plan leaves for Atlanta heading for Boston. Calculate the number of times a passenger says aloud “You mean I have to pay for the fucking snacks now?” Extra Credit : Prove the theory that length of flight is directly proportionate to the number of passengers with extreme body odor that sit next to me on said flight.
- (This is extremely difficult so follow closely. Might I suggest sniffing glue first. It involves fractions and a lawsuit) Tony has 1/4 of his memory left after partying in college. He learned 1,255 different things during that time, ranging from Economics in third world brothels to Rug cleaning in the Himalayas. If we take 1/2 of his remaining memory and transplant it into a Monkey, would the lawsuit from Tony’s family be over or under the Gross National Product of Luxembourg, or will they just see it as an improvement ?

Take your time with the quiz, answers will be posted before the weekend, or until I can decide what they are… And remember, all answers will be kept confidential, unless someone asks me for them…