Just in time for the 4th of July, I give you the conclusion of the Christmas Card. When we left off we had just read about the accomplishments of our once thought dead friend, causing us to re-evaluate our own year of world altering contributions.
After an hour of soul-searching and eating a bag of Doritos, here is my list of good doings last year..
– Taught my neighbor’s kid how to shoot rats
– Figured out how to live with a social disease.
– Cheated on my taxes and got away with it until the prison sentence
– Was the lead singer in the prison choir
– Found out that putting my hand in a moving ceiling fan does not hurt as much as I thought, and helps with living with the social disease
– Set a plan in motion with the help of fellow community leaders and politicians to form an initiative that would gather and create focus groups to collaborate together in unison as one and with each other to make sure all were unified and had a common goal. We met twice a month and made some groundbreaking decisions on how to further ourselves while screwing over the rest of the village.
– Finally you cannot end a productive year without some holiday cheer and merriment. I started a new tradition called “Caroling without Pants.” Me and a few friends began by knocking down a few eggnogs by the gallon and were filled with so much yuletide frivolity that we had to spread it to the town. (The frivolity, not the eggnog) . Nothing screams seasons greetings louder than “Good King Wenceslas” with your testicles exposed.
At least I was consistent, start the year in prison, end it in prison.
So the next time you get that fat envelope in green or red from someone you did not know was alive, burn it, burn it, burn it, and go show your nephew how to shoot rats.