Ok, been living on the island for almost a year now, and the questions keep coming: What do you do for a living? Are you retired or with the Coast Guard? I had no idea those were my only 2 options, and anyone who has known me for more than 30 seconds will tell you that my name mentioned in a sentence with any branch of the military is as good an idea as using that word in the same sentence with intelligence.
Rather than be annoyed, I have decided to have some fun with it. I came up with about 700 careers that I plan on using over the next few decades, here are a few of my favorites. Sure, some may be insulting at parties, but if you remember, I am still one fast mother on my feet when I have to be…
I discovered a cure for boredom. Unfortunately it only works when I am done talking to you.
I invented sand. The ocean used to roll up to concrete, and nobody went to the beach. Yes, you can thank me as you enjoy your vacation.
I did not invent water, but I am responsible for the 2 in H20. It made water taste a hell of a lot better and you don’t want to know what H7O was like.
My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather wrote a book in the Bible. His name was Larry Leviticus. He lived next door to Dexter Deuteronomy. We get royalties for every hotel room.
I inherited the family business. We invented food. You may have seen some in grocery stores.
I am a lion tamer in the circus. I get paid huge sums of money to be flown around the world, tame the lion, and then fly back. I must leave in 12 minutes so I can no longer speak with you.
I created a sub electronic cathenater to put into vehicles that will help with gas mileage and the air conditioning. It works by fusing the lower ractigon with the engine block to propel the ductiphone into the wheel vectors. (If they are still listening that this point, I tell them it works for 5,000 miles and then the car explodes. By then I am a rich man and living in Tahiti)
My family created the indoors. It started with a Denny’s restaurant. We felt people needed a place to eat late night.
My passion in life it to discover a new species each week. Last week I found a new species in Aisle 7 of the Food Lion. If you saw how it was eating you would not argue with me. I only have about ten minutes left this week, and brother, you ain’t it…
I just started a new job inspecting all the elevators on the island. I have to make sure each elevator has all the number buttons. It is hours of hard work but I find it extremely fulfilling. It helps to be able to count to 3. I was recently promoted to manager of the 4th floor elevator of a major hotel.
That’s all for today. Always keep people guessing. If getting to know you involves people wanting to know how you “fit” into the system, let them think you are in on a secret no one told them about. More than likely they will leave you alone, or at least avoid you at the post office.