Story in an hour. – I am writing this story in an hour. No more and no less. It is written for my teenage daughter as that is the highest amount of time she would take on it, and that might be a bit too high.
It will have a beginning, but may have no end. Not everything in life has an ending you know.
I only have an hour for this. It is now 4:33 pm and at 5:33 pm I must be completed. For if I type any longer than that my daughter will lose interest, get annoyed and have to go back to playing video games or texting 785 different friends, some of who she has actually met. This is the story of a teenager named Billy. He has a short attention span, a brother that he wishes he could kill legally and a group of parents that annoy him to the point of wanting to become a monk in Tibet. Bill has no idea where Tibet is or what a monk does but he is certain that none of them have parents, so that is good. His Dad is a colossal prick who knows everything and everyone and never stops telling Billy that someday that could be him. That sounds as exciting as sitting in church on a Sunday. Bill tried selling his Dad on the black market to a band of traveling Gypsies. They were interested at first until they met him. The Gypsies are now looking into the monk idea as well. Tibet may be a full country by the end of this story. Billy’s Mom is ok if she would just stop asking if he was ok. She seems to be worried about him to the point of developing an ulcer. Billy heard that stalking was illegal unless it involved a parental unit. He thought that the laws needed to be changed in this area before he turned 18.
Billy hates to be called Billy so now he will be Bill. Not William, as that is his Dad’s name and if you call him Junior he could poke out your eye with a stick. Bill is a bit of an extremist. No, that does not mean he is a terrorist, but most things that come out of his mouth are of the extreme variety. That was the best fucking sandwich ever, or I am starving or freezing or hot as shit or that person is annoying enough to puke on. He has wanted to shit on several of his teachers in the middle of class. Can you see now where I am going with this? There is no middle ground. Up is way the fuck up, Down is somewhere near hell. Left is so far left that you could not see right with a telescope. Catch him on a good day and the world is a pretty awesome planet filled with most excellent food and people that I would not be violent to, but catch him on a bad day and Earth is a suck ass planet filled with douche canoes and lame ass donkey dicks.
Let us pause for a moment at 4:48 pm to tell you that this story is brought to you by Stank deodorant. When you smell like a monkey, use this shit.
Back to the story. Bill has a smaller brother he nicknames Punkstable. He cares for him deeply but only when he is not around. When he is around he follows Bill like a shadow in a horror movie, mimicking his mannerisms and the like (translation: He do the shit Bill do). Bill does not take kindly to this and rather than dealing with fledgling brother in a reasonable way, attempts to throw him out with the trash each Thursday. Some days on good leftover day his little tyke brother is agreeable to this. Bill knows this is wrong of him to do but the joy he gets out of the attempt far exceeds the danger of attempted murder.
Bill has some friends as well. Some are virtual, some are made up, and some are real. The real ones are quite the prankish gang and they call each other by such pet names as Fudgerumpy and Idiotoby. (a witty mix of Idiot and Lobotomy). They last said kind words to each other shortly after birth. The English language is not their strong suit. Let’s listen in on one of their more intellectual conversations:
Bill: What up fruitcake. (Bill hates quotes around talking and so we will not use them)
Fudge: Eat dick Billabong.
Idiot: Lez go get summthin to ete before me starve to def.
Bill: Excellent idea you dumb ass mother….
Fudge: Well put Bill you anal wipe.
And off they went to dine in some fine establishment, to the horror of any listening patrons.
By now you must think that Bill is one rotten rascal that deserves a good beating or at least jail time. But there are some redeeming qualities to this fine lad. He has a dog named Ratgut that he cherishes more than anything other than his video games. He volunteered once at a nursing home, stayed 5 minutes and then joined the boy scouts. He was kicked out of that fine troop is less than an hour, and moved on to altar boy status the following weekend. That was taking up too much of his Sundays so he pursued a life in the circus cleaning out the animal cages. It stunk to high heaven but at least there he did not have to talk to anyone.
Our story takes us to the holiday season as Bill and the family get together to enjoy Thanksgiving. Bill’s Uncle Rasputin shows up several hours early, bringing his own contribution of mashed potatoes and heavy drugs. Bill’s Aunt Florence makes an appearance, but she is dressed as a goat as she has not quite mastered which species she is supposed to represent. Next up is Bill’s cousin Mortimer, a fine lad who believes that every other person is an alien that he must kill. He is quite the nice fellow if you fall on the side of him thinking you are not from the Planet Nebularky. Bill’s Dad shows up and points out to all the importance of the holiday dating back to the 1st meal, sounding like he was actually fucking there. Bill does all he can not to poke out his eye with a fork. At that point Mom comes in to check and make sure everyone is doing ok, especially Bill. She looks worried to the point of losing all of her hair. And where is Bill’s beloved little brother? Under the table hiding in a trap door he invented when he was 2. Once the turkey is completed he has a flight scheduled for Bali where he will drop this family like a lead balloon.
Good times for this family as they share a blessed meal and well-meaning conversation. This lasts for about 30 seconds as all lose their appetites when Bill’s Dad says grace for over an hour. It may be one thing to bless the food, but it is much more important to eat it when it is still fucking warm.
Only 13 minutes remain in this magical tale of lore and enchantment, so let’s wrap things up while we still have time. Bill does indeed leave the family unit, going to Tibet as promised but is put on a waiting list to join the monks. It seems that several hundred thousand other teenagers had the same idea, and the monks only let in 12 per year. Doing the math on that comes to an awfully long fucking time, but they all pass the time happily playing Grand Theft Auto 36, the blood and guts version, whilst drinking the latest energy drink called Sleep when I Die. It has only 7 calories but guarantees you will stay alert well into your 60’s.
One always hopes for a happy ending in stories such as these. A feel good wrap up that makes you toasty inside and puts you to sleep with a smile on your face in your comfy little blankey.
This tale shall not end in such a way. With the 6 minutes I have left, I do have to tell you where Bill ended up. He waited on the monk’s list for about a day, as that was his patience level. He moved on to Madagascar where he was not heard of again for several years. I’d like to think he went looking for his little brother, the Fiji bound little bastard. But no matter where Bill went, he was sure to be found by his loving parents, the all-knowing, all finding stink fish Dad and his ever worrisome eye brow plucking Mom.
God speed young Bill who is no longer so young, wherever you have gone, DAMMIT I ran out of time…..