This is a short story about a winter that is anything but short, and continues on well into March as I type with wind chills hovering at zero. Everyone on the east coast will appreciate this story, and if you live in a climate that has never experienced this type of winter, Don’t Ever Move !
The morning breaks, the wind howls, hibernation completely makes sense now as you wish you could go back to bed and wake up on the 4th of July. Working your way to the wood-stove, you know before you open it that the fire has gone out. And the first expletive starts the day…..
It has not snowed in days but the icy remains have not gone anywhere as you walk outside to get more firewood. The wind greets you with screams of terror as you open the door and almost fall on the 6 inch thick iceberg that has taken over your entire property. Shuffling your feet has become the mode of transportation as you gather enough firewood to choke a horse. You are guessing the temperature has to be below zero but your barometer may be off as your extremities have not been thawed since Thanksgiving. All that matters now is getting that fire going, more so than anything else going on in the world, including the Olympics in Russia where this year even THAT is a warmer climate. How the fuck did that happen ? Oh to be in Siberia in the winter where a balmy 10 degrees would feel like Spring Break. I hear there was a Spring Break movie filmed there but it was only 3 minutes long as the camera froze.
You fix yourself a nice bowl of sleet to warm up with, and gnaw on a carcass of fresh icicles as you wait for the fire to kick in. You consider placing your entire genital region directly on the wood-stove but reason takes over when you see it has started to snow. Hip Hip Hooray, it’s going to snow today ! The sun has not been out since Labor day, and the animals have all moved to Tampa Bay. You begin to think the world has ended as there is no sound outside save for the crunch of your shoes on snow, or was that your bones making that sound ?
Just when you think things cannot get any worse, you hear an announcement on the internet (that is always true) that Spring has been cancelled and has been replaced by the Ice Capades. I don’t fully understand that one either. I do know that it is sponsored by Alaska Airlines, when you want to get away from it all and truly warm up.
Finally, you crack from the cabin fever of it all and book a flight directly to the Sun as it is rumored that it is warmer there. It is one hell of a deal, but only offers one way flights. Oddly enough there are no reviews of this trip online, perhaps because no one has ever made it back.. You figure why the hell not and take only the clothes on your back , which consists of 16 layers of shirts, 5 pairs of pants, 65 socks and one shoe that is the size of Old Mother Hubbard’s place.
Our story ends with your flight being delayed due to ice on the wings, causing you to shout your 2nd expletive of the day just as the Ice Capades come on.
Now if that story does not warm you to the bone, feel free to sit your genitals on my wood-stove !!