It is Memorial Day weekend, the time to ignore we ever had a virus and go back to what we always did best, infect each other. In honor of the holiday it is time to take on the National Pastime- Baseball ! The sport that has been around for centuries, all the way back to Adam and Eve who used to play baseball with the snake until they realized sinning was more fun.
Before I begin I must tell the baseball purists you better look away. For them, the sport is perfect, with no clock and the perfect balance of sports goodliness. While that may be true, it does take 3 to 4 hours to play and brings on napping almost as quickly as Thanksgiving turkey.
So here we go, my new rules that move this baby along quicker. I have also submitted this to Major League Baseball, waiting to hear back if this gets instituted in 2020. If not, they may be instituting me.
1. I hate the pitch count. It is basically pitch and catch until the batter eventually hits something. SO, one strike and you are out. 2 balls is a walk
2. You leave the batter’s box, you are out. This whole fix my crotch thing after each pitch is bullshit. Please fix your crotch in the dugout, or try penicillin.
3. There are 30 teams, you play everyone twice, and those 2 games are doubleheaders. Basically a 60 game season in 30 days. Resting is for when the season is over.
4. If you are hit by a pitch, you are out.
5. Eliminate 2nd base. You go straight from 1st base across to 3rd base. If the pitcher gets in your way, you take him out. If you knock him over, he gets removed from the game by a reliever, who gets no warming up.
6. If you hit the ball, no need to drop the bat. It can be used as a weapon all the way to 3rd base. This will also help with taking out the pitcher.
7. First team to 3 runs wins, no last at bat for the home team. The game could be over in 10 minutes !
8. You get 60 seconds between innings to start the next inning. The pitcher is allowed to pitch before the batter is ready, so you better move it.
9. I did 9 of these for 9 innings. Drinking is encouraged in the dugout, and you can take your beers out on the field. If your beer gets knocked over, you are out of the game.
I’d say the game will be over in less than an hour, even quicker if you run out of pitchers or beer. The ratings on this would be huge and I can see bat and beer sales go through the roof.
My next sport is hockey, where I will focus on more violence. And I just heard back from Major League Baseball. I am no longer allowed to own a bat, and I must wear a batting helmut for the rest of my life.