Hoop Dreams

Ok, let’s get right to it. As promised, Basketball is next. We can all admit this sport is much faster paced, but I believe we can speed this one up a bit more as the games can run up to 3 hours long.

My initial thought to shake things up was to create a Basketcube instead of a ball. It would make dribbling more challenging but the sharp edges could also injure all of the players in 5 minutes so I thought no one would go for it.

Here are my rule changes. This has been submitted to the NBA, patent pending. I have a good feeling about this, but I also had a good feeling about my changes to the Ice Capades and I am now banned from all events.


1.   Drop the shot clock down to 10 seconds. Let’s see who is in shape !
2.   First team to 50 wins, so no play clock needed.  
3.   Dribbling is optional.
4.   No fouls, and no foul shots. 
5.   No 3 pointers, but there is a 5 point shot from half court or beyond. 
6.   Bouncing a shot off an opponents head and in the basket is worth 10 points. 
7.  You can substitute in at any moment just by slapping hands. Game keeps going.
8.   The ball can be used as a weapon 3 times per game per team. No warning.  

9. The referee is allowed to blow his whistle at any point, take the ball, and run away. The players have to catch him before he gets out in traffic. If they don’t, the game is over. If they catch him, no more referees. There are no fouls anyway, so what is the point?

I realize that last one is ridiculous, but these are trying times and nobody likes referees anyway. I’d put this game over in about 45 minutes. I just saved you about 2 hours. You can now spend this time knitting or working on your collection of grass clippings.

I just heard back from the NBA and I am no longer allowed to bounce ANY ball for the rest of my life. Guess I will tackle baseball next. See you then.

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