No matter how much you quarantine, sequester or curl up in the bath tub, eventually you will need to get food. We can all agree this is the toughest part of the Corona world to deal with. Going out into the world and dealing with the grocery store. It is hard to look back at what life was like, isn’t it? You never had to worry about being in Aisle 7, coming around the corner and being mortified at the sight of another person. Well those days are over pal, and fortunately you all know me and I have the perfect solution. I will get to it shortly, but until my plan is approved and implemented, I will give you these quick tips to help you keep 6 feet from that errant and moronic shopper.
At this point most of us are using some sort of mask and maybe your own gloves. I would suggest a shirt with the words “Will Kill for Food” on it. That may guarantee your own aisle, if not the entire produce section. Speaking of produce, apples can be picked up quickly and hurled at the groin area in a pinch if someone gets too close, and chopping up the lettuce with your own machete is sure to keep even the strangest of derelicts at bay.
But the true solution to safe shopping is the following. It is currently up for submission with the FDA, but I must say they have turned me down before. Back in the 80’s I submitted a blueprint to combine cookies with broccoli into the product Broccocookoli but was rejected after the taste forced 8 employees to the emergency room. Don’t hold your breath, but here is my plan.
When you get to the store, you are given a cart and 10 total minutes to shop. It is all timed. The person ahead of you is given a 2 minute head start and has to follow all of the arrows. If you catch up to them before they get to the checkout you get all of their food. Now this may sound mean for those that are either slow afoot or elderly, but those folks get the option of having their choice of either a cross bow or a tazer gun to defend themselves with. Now that is some exciting shit. If you cannot complete the shopping in 10 minutes a siren goes off and you also lose all of your food. You don’t have to pay for it but you will hang your head in shame.
I’ll tell you one thing, no more standing there for 5 minutes waiting to see what type of Oreos some asshole is going to choose. That was always a pain to begin with, now it is so much worse as you cannot get within 6 feet of the bastard. Now I know my ideas are extreme and may cause you to wonder why I am not in a rubber room, but you know what? These times are extreme. Everything around us is off the charts. We hear new things every single day now that make us long for the old days when hugging was still a thing, parties were in person and not over a phone app, and insulting each other was done face to face instead of the countless internet message boards. Crazy times mean crazy ideas, and I have a ton of them.
Wait until you see what I do with sports next, which from what I hear will be coming back in some form soon. Trust me, you will want to see the changes I would like to make.
Until then, stay safe in those stores as best you can. And whenever you don’t feel safe, a watermelon to the solar plexus will take the fight right out of them.