Keep your Distance!

Ok, who else is sick and tired of this expression? This may have become the most overused saying since “at the end of the day” made its first annoying appearance. Social Distancing. We have beat it like the dead horse, and will continue to well into 2021.

Once again I am here to get you past this, and to offer up much better expressions that are more realistic to how we feel. First of all, the 6 feet of social distancing is not good enough, and not strong enough. If we want to beat this virus and get back to any sort of normal life we thought we had, better follow along below. It won’t be pretty, but it will get us back to not having a heart attack any time we see another human. I have 3 plans outlined below, listed in order of severity. Before reading make sure you are not eating anything.

Plan A – We start off with the 6 foot measurement. This should be reserved for family members and very good friends. Let’s be honest, no one knows who the hell has the virus and we are kidding ourselves to even worry about it. I am sure many families would prefer 6 miles over 6 feet but that is their problem. We will stick with 6 feet from your cousin Lucy. Take a yardstick out and wack her with it if it makes you feel better.

Anyone with the word Uncle or Aunty in front of their name that is not really your Uncle or Aunt is creepy as fuck and belongs at 12 feet. The next door neighbor everyone calls Uncle Willy needs 12 feet, trust me. He might need a straight jacket.

In the 18 feet category is anyone you know that likes to dress up in animal costumes and graze in traffic. While this may be a minority 18 feet feels about right.

All other people outside of these categories gets 30 feet. Don’t ask questions, but 10 yards ought to do it for the other 7 billion people.

Plan B – Let’s crank it up. Toss aside Social Distancing and get your arms around these new concepts. This shit will flatten the curve in a weekend.

  1. Civilized Menacing – throw on some fake blood and run around your neighborhood barking like a dog. Watch the for sale signs go up the next day. You may have made others cities curves go up but you sure as hell flattened the one in your town.
  2. Destructive Repulsion – this is all about giving generalized looks of disdain and horror to anyone you meet. Their disgust is your road to safety. Watch it catch on where eventually the scowl will be the new hip look.
  3. Gregarious Berating – this is a general form of verbal insulting that is sure to put anyone in their place when they venture with 10 feet of you. I believe the more creative you get with it, the longer the shield shall last. “You best keep it the f— back you smelly ass carrier of germs” is just one example. Keep it brief and to the point, share the love.

Plan C – here we go, the most extreme, and I am hoping you are still with me. This is a global plan that I am not sure everyone will take hold of, but a man can dream :

Everyone gets their own zip code. Simple. I have reserved 3,478,765. Stay in your zip code and all is well. If someone else ventures into it and I can take them out. And I don’t mean to dinner. (We all know that is take out now anyway and that is no fun). Once the disposal of the body is accomplished, their zip code is now yours. This turns into a real world game of Risk. Eventually we will have 7 people left, one in each continent. And buddy, if that ain’t social distancing, I don’t know what is .

Tune in over the weekend when I come up with much better and safer ways to grocery shop. Fuck those arrows, my way will work, and you will come out with a lot more food….

The origin of social distancing, directly from Gotham City, note the proper use of gloves and masks…..

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