Next up in our continuing series of the 2020 Pandemithon is a complete guide for how to get you through the never before seen, never before encountered shit show of an unprecedented event that is all anyone can think or talk about.
Now you can spend hundreds of dollars in therapy, talk to your doctor over the phone, join a support group with other mortified humans, or even try animal therapy by purchasing 12 goats, or you can read the below. I personally guarantee by the time you are done you will be cured and forget there ever was a virus.
This is a well thought out plan with one disclaimer. If it doesn’t work for you it is your fault. I am trying to help and if you did not get the results you were expecting, well maybe it is time to expect a lot less.
So how do we get through these trying times? I wake up each day scared shitless due to what is going on, not sure to what lengths I should protect myself, or if I need to scrub my entire body with a wire brush for an hour a day, every day. What the hell do I do next? I mean, really, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NEXT?
First of all, calm the fuck down. Put the coffee away, turn off the TV, hug something next to you that is not infested with germs, and have a seat on the couch. That’s a start.. Now, you need to do each of the things listed below at least once a day and this will enable you to see life in a different and unusual way that will end with you not worrying about washing or polishing or wiping down everything you have ever owned. You can also do them twice a day but you do risk severe addiction.
The below are proven to work in 90 percent of all humans. If you are not one of them, well then I guess you are doomed.
- Drinking your way through this is no way to cope with a pandemic. Anyone who tells you that is an idiot. The truth is, it is the only way, so bottoms up !
- Exercise is crucial. Since gyms are no longer available, I suggest bench pressing the dog or curling with the cat. Opening and closing the refrigerator works your triceps and skipping around the house to show tunes works not only your calves, but your pancreas. 3 hours ought to do it. If any muscle starts to burn it is normal, unless it is your heart, then you are probably dying.
- When the walls are closing in and it is raining outside, when the bottle is empty and there’s nowhere left to hide, napping will be sure to take the edge off. Best time to do this is right after you wake up in the morning. Nothing gets the day started better than going back to sleep.
- In lieu for screaming at the TV, go outside, and run laps around your house as fast as you can. It helps if your neighbors are outside watching. With each passing lap, be sure to expose yourself in some way while singing “Raindrops keep falling on my head”. You might never get invited to that cook out, but watch the stress melt away.
- Do your best to not watch television. It will only make your day worse. If you have to watch something, the Panic channel has a free preview in the month of May. This week they are showing live beheadings and have a great cooking channel where you have to guess the human body part they are baking.
- This activity should be done at least 5 times a day. Make a mental note of every person in your lifetime that has let you down and then call them randomly with a cell phone that is not traceable. When they answer, scream out “Get out of the house before the bomb explodes” and hang up. Nothing perks up your mood more than letting someone know they may have only seconds to live.
- Finally, before bedtime, you need to relax and unwind. Close all the curtains, put on your clown suit and think nothing but happy thoughts. You can hold your favorite knife if you want to, while you count to 100 and convince yourself this will all be over in the morning.
- If it is not over in the morning, repeat steps 1 through 7 again.
Ok, give the above a try and let me know how it goes. Some folks take to it right away, others could take decades to see results. It is all up to you. Remember I am here for you if you have any questions.
I have faith in you
give it all you got
go the extra mile
be all you can be
here’s looking at you
just do it
make today great
you deserve a break today
the best is yet to come
baby we were born to run
one day at a time
one step at a time
one shot at a time
do what makes you happy
do who makes you happy
you can go far in life
take the road less traveled
don’t get the short end of the stick
never give up
give up after 10 minutes
you got this
well maybe you don’t but who gives a shit
never do something hard unless it is easy
the only one who can stop you is that big dude over there
everytime you get back up is a small victory no matter what creaks.
Fuck it, we’re all going to die anyway.