I have been seeing this one a lot lately. Since the pandemic has started, everyone wants to know what you have “learned” about yourself. You can’t leave your house, you can’t pollute the air, you can’t sweat with random strangers at the gym, surely this virus has caused you to look within the depths of your soul to see who you really are, what you are all about and where you want to go next.
I have thought about this many times since this all began in March, reaching deep within my esophagus to pull out my inner yearnings and random musings. At long last, below are the cherished ponderings of what I have learned during the virus of 2020. Feel free to share, or simply be horrified.
1- Hostess cupcakes are fucking good. I know they are terrible for you, but so is the coronavirus so who really gives a shit anymore. You can eat 3 bags until you feel sick, that is what I have learned.
2- Canned goods are making a comeback. In normal times I would go right past that aisle, but damn, Spaghettios should be its own food group. Open the can, no need to heat, or even use a spoon. You may need to shower afterward, but canned goods, yes, that is what I have learned.
3- You can play Monopoly against yourself for about 15 hours before you get into arguments. I almost had myself bankrupt until I landed on Park Place and found 4 hotels and an Applebee’s on it. That shit ain’t right, and I called myself on it. Time to shut that game down, that is what I have learned.
4- On Day 1 of shelter in place, I found out you can sit in silence for 11 hours with no problem if you have the proper adult linens on. It was at that point my wife pointed out that shelter in place did not mean I had to stay in one position for 3 months. Moving around the house was an option, that is what I have learned.
5. There is a direct correlation to the number of hours you watch the news on TV to the amount of time you spend curled up in the fetal position in the bathtub. I have learned that the outdoors was invented for a reason.
6. Speaking of outdoors, I have learned that there is a serious adjustment time to walking outside, seeing a human, and not wanting to run screaming in the other direction. I did this several times, and have since found that no humans will come anywhere near my house. Rumor has it my community nickname is now “Blood Curdling”.
7. I have learned that toilet paper hoarding can turn into the best forts. I have removed all of my furniture and now live in the lap of luxury of Castle Cottonelle. You can fit snacks in the rolls and if you have a call to nature, well you know what to do. I did warn you about being horrified.
8. For Number 8, we will pause briefly on what I have learned to realize that the world has reset, been put on hold, been placed on the back burner, has slowed its roll, taken a holiday, eased on down the road and wants us to know it’s ok to take a brief pause, look around and marvel at how badly we fucked things up on this planet. We now will resume the learning.
9. I have learned that life goes on without sports. I have played them, watched them, bet on them a few thousand times, but although the mighty sports cog has grinded to a halt, I have learned that I can still bet on which Crab gets the cheez-it I threw at it first. Side learning note: Cheez-its are fucking good too. They are chock full of thiamin mononitrate and annatto extract color and that’s what gives it the fake cheesiness flavoring likeness to a cracker.
10. Finally, it feels right to end at 10. I am sure I could go on and probably will sometime later down the road, but I have no doubt lost most of you at this point and feel this should be my last learning lesson to all of you. As you can see I have spent the past 2 months wisely, truly digging deep to the inner spleen of my being to share with you what I am all about. For some of you, these may be new things, for others, well it may sound just about right. The true learning in all of this is that dealing with all of this anxiety and anguish can either bring out the best in you, or it can do to you what it has obviously done to me.
Don’t be like me. If you have learned nothing else, learn that.. Time to see how many Twinkies I can stuff in my mouth at the same time…..
MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU ALL !!!!!