Out of Hiding….

First of all I wanted all of you to know that despite what you have heard the past two months, I am fairly certain we ARE all alone. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long we all remain in this together. I tried giving it a shot at remaining apart until I got 17 e-mails from CEO’s of every utility company I have ever paid a bill to that wanted me to know what they were doing for me. I had no idea the shit they had been doing all this time, but their outpouring of letting me know they were there for me brought me to tears. Humanity was restored until I read the last sentence of the email that reminded me that this was only true if I continued to pay my fucking bill.

There may be no sports, no dinners, no haircuts, no working out and no fun of any kind but I find great comfort in knowing that all of the celebrities ever created were all willing to share that they were at home doing absolutely nothing as well, making note of how much bigger and nicer their house was than mine in the process.

So what if we can’t get together to celebrate each other’s company? Hit a button and there they are on the screen, just like they are in the room with you. And as soon as you become bored of them, all you have to do is hit the red X? Count me in to this virus infested world! Just when you thought you were all in this together? Boom, you are alone again.

I went from not touching my face to not needing a mask, to maybe needing a mask, to now needing a mask, all the while washing my hands with everything from hand sanitizer to petroleum oil. The one being completely scarce and the other we don’t know where to put. I began washing my face with toilet paper and then not touching my hands with my mask, unless I am either asymptomatic or have the runs.. This week we are flattening the curve, next week we may be living the new normal. I just want to go back to the old abnormal where I never washed my hands or even used toilet paper. Sure that sounds disgusting but I also drank right out of a hose and wiped my nose on my sleeve and still managed to live to 56.

We live in uncertain times where we don’t know how long this will last. If I continue to socially distance myself with contact tracing and testing myself with a rectal thermometer every 6 hours, will this get the CEO’s to stop e-mailing me, and the celebrities to stop making videos? I know we are all in this together, but it is too much to ask for some peace and quiet?

One more thing, in case you forgot, remember to stay at home, just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said, there ain’t no place like it. Time to record Ostrich racing from Istanbul on the Bird network.

They might not be 6 feet apart but the commercials showing pelicans all being in this together is fantastic.


2 thoughts on “Out of Hiding….

  1. This is some of your best shit ever – should have known it would take a global pandemic to get it out of you 😉

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