And since we’ve no place to go.

Do I miss it ?  Sometimes, but not enough to move back above the rain/snow line.    The kid in you always wants to play in it,  but the older you get,  the heavier the shovel becomes.    It is on its way,  and to see it on radar is quite impressive.   Snowmaggedon,  The Storm of the Century,  Thundersnow,   Blizzardopolous,  Noreaster,  The Great Snowstorm of ’17,   The Week I caught the Clap…  Wait how did that one get in there ?

So off we go, battening down the hatches,  put the wife and kids to bed,  bring the dog in from outside, tie up the trash cans,  bringing in the outside furniture,  getting all the batteries, flashlights, first aid kits,  firewood,  fungus spray, ice melt, snow melt, rock salt, blow torch, pop tarts and vodka, whiskey and condoms,  penicillin and firearms,   it is time to hunker down,  formulate, fabricate and anticipate that anything can and will happen in the next 48 hours.

When the first flakes fly sideways,  it is katy bar the door,  it’s a white out and we are about to get dumped on,  pounded, slammed, obliterated with a Winter Storm that will make your joints howl the way they did back in ’27 when my great great grandpappy saw it snow for 6 days and lived on nothing but snow and wood bark.

And you better have some respect for Mother Nature, for this is no storm to sneeze at, you don’t want to get caught with your pants down,  or worse caught napping when this beast comes a knocking at your door,  you best have your ducks in a row or there will be hell to pay when it is time to pay the fiddler,  and you better give the devil his due or he may return with his friend named Sleet and nobody can stand that guy as he only makes a racket and knocks the power out.

You still have a few hours left to load up on water and milk and bread and eggs and generators and toilet paper and large quantities of alcohol since you will soon be forced to live with your family for more than an hour at a time and Lordy knows you do NOT want to do that sober.   And while you are at the store, don’t forget the non perishables and condiments and powdered milk and various old time board games such as  “Tell Dad he’s a dick”  or  “How to get away with maiming my siblings with Icicles”,  you know,  all of the old favorites.

Finally,  we have a new custom called naming that winter storm, as Hurricanes were not enough for the media.   So I gotcha covered,  if we are going to prepare for the Storm of the Millenium,  may as well have the appropriate names at the ready for when it comes.  These are only to be used when snow is measured with a yard stick, and the winds howl so loud you’d swear your mother in law was at the door.   If we are going to scare people with these storms, we need to name them properly.  I think body parts work best.

I give you Winter Storm :

Anus, Bowel, Cerebrum, Descending Colon,  Eye socket,  Foot Fungus ( a double whammy),  Ganglia, Hypothalamus, Incisor, Jugular, Kidney Stone,  Lymphatic Drainage, Medulla Oblongata, Pancreas,  Quasimodo (I know it’s not a body part, but it is a good storm name),  Rectum,  Sacrum, Thorax,  Umbilical,  V  (never mess with Winter Storm V),   Windpipe, Xiphoid Process, Yowsa, Zygote.  (ok, I know Yowsa is not a body part, but think of the ratings for Winter Storm Yowsa, coming to a town near you) 

Ok, that’s it for now.  Head for the hills before the storm gets to you, and if you can’t,  make sure you are with just the right amount of people you can stand…..

Leave a Reply