This just in, another executive decree from the exalted one has come in (and I don’t mean the Pope) and this time it appears we are re-writing some old scriptures. Leave it to the king of the comb-over to pull these out of the do whatever I want hat.
Unconditional love just came in with some conditions.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Congress.
And know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time. Well maybe only until 2020 but it will FEEL like the end of time.
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. Go ahead and trust Russia too. No really, it’s ok. They are a terrific country.
It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Just don’t call the doctors as I am sure they will be leaving the country.
I tell you the truth, it is no longer hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of the secret service than it used to be for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Now rich men will be first in line, and all will be terrific.
My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by all women. But now my kingdom is from another place. I can’t tell you where but it is terrifically cold, everyone drinks vodka and there is a shitload of oil.
All the commandments: You shall not commit adultery, you shall not kill, you shall not steal, you shall not covet, and so on, are summed up in this single command: You must love your mirror as yourself.
Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for all of the news outlets. For they will be WRONG.
Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of my press secretary, the one who looks like Chris Farley. I give you Spicey Boy
For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?