Welcome to July and the height of summer. I had several ideas for what to name this, such as :
Summer Island Guide of 2016, 2016 Survival guide for living on an Island, Island Survival for Idiots, Making it to Labor Day without a record, you get the point.
So here it is, 17 ways to make it through living on an 800 yard stretch of land with 800,000 visitors.
THE 2016 TRI VILLAGES SURVIVAL GUIDE TO GET YOU TO THE FALL WITHOUT KILLING SOMEONE.
Or as I like to call it, the 2016 TVSGTGYTTFWKS. (That acronym may never catch on)
- Make a left turn at any place without looking or waiting
- Ride a golf cart on the bike path with at least 27 passengers.
- Swim in the ocean with open cuts and a bright yellow bathing suit. Thrash about freely calling many others over to join in the fun.
- Wave any flag you like off the back of your truck, letting your toddler Willy wave it without any seat restraint. You will look cool and make you feel extra patriotic like.
- Dig a hole at the beach big enough to kill your entire family, and then don’t fill it in so you can kill someone else’s family too.
- Ride rip currents all the way to Portugal
- Drive 70 in a 35 mph zone, flipping off the state trooper as you pass.
- Pass on the right as much as possible. Bonus if you see bikers not using the bike path.
- Build a fire directly on the Dune, lighting fireworks and pointing them at the roof of anyone’s beach house.
- Throw random vegetables at any ice cream truck playing either Silent Night or O Come all Ye Faithful.
- Go to a highly populated sunset spot and talk about nothing through the entire thing.
- Drive around as loudly as possible while revving engine for extra noise. Even better if you are cruising around at 10 pm when the only thing that is open is the Mosquito truck.
- Decorate your beach spot with as many emblems as you can that identify that :
- Your state is the best
- Your team is the best
- Your sand castle is the best
- The hole you just dug is the best
- Fish directly where there are many swimmers. They taste great on the grill with some lemon and butter.
- Go to the beach and play the Go Go’s “Vacation” as loud as you can on a repeat loop for 3 to 5 hours.
- Visit any store and ask them if they have beer. Leave immediately without purchasing anything. Bonus if you go in on a Sunday morning and argue with them until Noon. (Side note : There are no beer sales in NC until Noon on Sunday, by decree of God)
- Randomly appear at any oceanfront pool, declaring yourself as Uncle Ned and apologizing for being late. Jump in the deep end and watch the looks of horror. It helps if you have an empty bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and a tattoo that reads America Sucks.