Hell no, we won’t go….

On to the tougher of the scenarios,  the no show conundrum.   As we all know,  getting invited to something and then not showing up without any reply will not work unless you enjoy having a grudge held against you for decades.   If that is your thing,  good luck with the shame and guilt that is associated with it.

For the majority of us,  we will need to develop game plans, blueprints, schematics and analytics to be prepared for all of the reasons we do not want to go to cousin Wilhem’s graduation from 5th grade,  or Uncle Stu’s party for his dog that was just neutered.  And those events are the easy ones.   The harder one are obviously Christmas, Thanksgiving,  and any birthday of a friend or family member once you have blazed the trail of going to the first one.   Repeat visits are always expected,  and if you are part of a round-table,  God forbid you have to host any event as part of the rotation.

Once you are in this vortex,  getting out is not easy, and saying that your son Gordy has the sniffles will not suffice.   That will be sniffed out as a lie faster than you can say “RSVP”.    I have developed several of my favorites below    I personally have a list over of 2,000 excuses,   contents of which are kept in a safe and properly laminated and encrypted for safe keeping.  I am passing along this list to my daughters when I die, and we have weekly training sessions on how to pull these off without detection.   Parental skills vary across all families,  mine tends to focus of how to get out of parties and injecting expletives in day to day conversation.  Father of the year applications for 2016 are forthcoming.

Here goes,  and you are welcome in advance.   If you say this came from me,  we are no longer friends and I will not attend any of your parties..  (see, there’s #1 excuse already for me)

  • Sorry we cannot make it on Saturday.   I am getting a tattoo on my spleen.
  • We will try to swing by but this Friday is our monthly life skills training on how to avoid people who talk to themselves at the post office.   We never miss it.
  • For Christmas this year I decided to mail myself to a small family in Chile.  It will help pay for my daughter’s college fund.  I hope to be back by Easter,  but I may be gone for the next 7 holidays.   One never knows with these self mailing excursions.  Tell you what,  I will contact you when I can make the next holiday of obligation.
  •  We plan on stopping by if we can get this head lice thing under control.  At the very least we will slow down to 25 MPH and throw a present out the window.
  •  For New Year’s Eve this year,  we decided to do something that will make a difference and do good in the world.   We are going to paint the entire neighborhood.   Swing on by for New Year’s as we chose fuchsia for everyone.
  • As fun as Jordan’s getting out of prison party sounds,  we have volunteered at the local bitch and complain about everything luncheon.   It is a pot luck ,   we are bringing salted meats and plan on whining about the lack of toilet paper in all grocery stores.

Well,  I could go on and on as I have another 1,995 of these,  but I think you get the idea.  And if you cannot think of any excuse at all,  always go with “INSERT NAME in the family has some form of communicable disease.”    Works like a charm….

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