We gotta get out of this place…

As promised,  I have poured over tons of data and analysis to give you the best opportunities for how to do 2 things :

  1. Get out of any event or engagement early
  2. Get out of the event or engagement completely without sounding like a whiny bitch that does not want to go.

Today we focus on #1 – getting out early .   We have all been there, a party, a company picnic,  a brothel,  basically somewhere we were invited and you are just not enjoying yourself.  This is especially painful if you realize this a mere 5 minutes after showing up.   What’s a fella or couple to do?   My wife and I usually have a code word or sentence that we come up with prior to the event.  Mine always get vetoed of course,  as who wants it to be “My ass is sweaty”  or “Look honey, my scab has broke open”  at a social event.   We also tried bird calls, but mine was always a loud “KA KA”  that drew attention and embarrassed my family to the point where I walked home.   You can go with the code phrase, but agree to it and rehearse it at home before trying it.

Other ways :

Create a diversion and jump out a side window.  Lighting something on fire will do the trick.  It also makes it easier if that side window is open.

We have all done the “I am not feeling well” routine, but let’s face it,  no one there is buying it. If you are going to go that route,  do it the right way and bring some butternut squash soup with you.   When you go to the bathroom, some retching noises and spillage into the commode will bring it on home.   They will literally push you out of there.  You may not be invited back.    And I do apologize if you were thinking about having soup for your next meal.

If you have small children, this one will work. If you don’t, rent some.  Bringing kids to a party where no one else has kids will show you immediately where things lie at the gala.   If you get quick glances and head turns in the other direction,  your stay is short.   Toddlers that swear will get you out even faster.   If you have toddlers and they need lessons in proper party swearing etiquette,  look me up at tomfritzswears.com .  If you know either of my daughters, my work speaks for itself.

This one is reserved for any event that you are invited to where you barely know one person, and everyone else has no clue who you are ..  Almost feels like the aforementioned crashing,  but “technically” you were invited.  This one truly sucks especially when all heads turn to look at you when you walk in. Awkward as hell.  You cannot “just” walk out..  Although we have done that before and it is as fun as ringing a doorbell and running away when you were kids.  What you “should” do is stay and be whoever you want to be.  Mess with people. You do not know anyone and more than likely you will never see them again.    Might I suggest being Bob and Maxine Rasputin from the town of Bastard Creek.   You are an inventor of toys for kids that like playing with sharp things, and your wife does custom artwork with only a chain saw and a number 2 pencil.  You will get to leave in 10 minutes but drive home quickly as they may have called the cops.

This should be enough to get you started.  Remember, I am always here to help with ideas.  You really should try that bird call once.  If nothing else it scares the crap out of everyone..   Enjoy !!

 

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