Calling all Services – just press or say Part 2..

In an effort to keep my posts somewhat short and readable without having you pack a lunch,   I omitted a personal favorite of the customer service call that specializes in the caller battling the voice activated phone system. You know what I mean,  the gatekeeper that likes to keep you from speaking to that live person you will never understand.   Years ago,  you could cheat the system by pressing 0,  and knew would get excellent live interchange within the next hour or 2.  Then the powers that be introduced another option.   I could either key in my options on the phone,  or I could say it directly into my phone, having full confidence that whatever I said would be interpreted perfectly by this miracle of technology.   But rather than try to explain the ins and outs,  let’s just go directly to the way it usually goes for me,  which as you know is always recorded for training purposes.   Whoever does listen to this for training needs instant therapy afterward.

Them :  Thank you for calling Generic Bank and Loan,  press or say 1 for English, Presione o diga 2 para español

Me :  English

Them :   ¿Cómo podemos ayudarle hoy?


Them :  Please press or say 1 for Sales,  2 for Billing, 3 for a lost or stolen debit card,  4 if you wish to lodge a complaint,   If you wish to cancel , please hang up and call back at 1-800-Cancel between the hours of 3 am to 3:15 am on Tuesdays only.    If you need to discuss something specific, please say 7, then use the # sign,  then *, and then key in the extension number of the person you would like to speak to, if you do not know it,  press 7#75* for the company directory, keying in the last 14 letters of the person’s name.     If you would like any of the above in German,  press or say Die Amerikaner sind Idioten.

Me :  I would like to talk to a person

Them :  We would be happy to direct your call to a person, please hold while we find out who is not on break, or who may actually give a shit about your problem.  But first, please explain to use in 75 words or less the reason for your inquiry and why our 16 different menu items will not give you said answer you difficult bastard.


Them :  There is no need to get hostile, we are connecting you as soon as we are done with training on all of the previous calls you have made.  But first, can we interest you in a new program we are having for asshole customers like you ?

Me :  NO !

Them :  No problem,  we will now connect you straight through to Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta.   Please be sure to speak clearly as he is hungover.

Me :   私はすべての地獄 ! 」を参照してください !

(You don’t want to know what that translates to !!  )

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