Calling all Services !!

Getting back to the corporate world,  let’s take a pit stop at the village that is customer service,  specifically the phone call to the vendor of your choice.   But before we get there, I do have to tell you that our menu has changed.  We are also experiencing high call volumes at this time,  even though it is 4am , and that your estimated wait time could be as high as 12 hours.   You do have the option of leaving a message and we will call you back,  but it is a safe bet that call back may happen after you are dead.  Best to stay on hold and listen to 57 reasons why you should upgrade your services with us, as it is only available for a limited time, subject to credit approval and availability in your area.  As your frustration level reaches the point of wanting to choke any living thing that will eventually answer that phone,  the clicking sound comes and you have a live human being on the other line.   Percentages will put it at 50-50 that there is any chance you will understand what comes out of that person’s mouth.   The advice here is to try not to muddle through, hang up and start all over.   This is highly known as the call in Russian Roulette.   Play it safe and re-load for the next call.  If you can’t make it past the 3rd try,  it is recommended that you give up,  call it a day, and resort to binge watching violent shows on Netflix.

Now let’s say you make it through, you have a live one that sounds like English is a primary language, and problem solving skills are on their resume,  before you get to dig into whatever you are calling about,  please make sure you have the following ready to identify yourself.    I would be ready with ALL of this,  and would plan ahead for this phone call like you would a vacation.   You will need your account number,  your 4 digit pass code,  your social security number, your driver’s license, your address including zip code,  your online login ID,  your date of birth, your spouse’s date of birth, the maiden name of either parent,  the street you lived on when you were 7,  your favorite pet’s name,  and favorite ice cream flavor before they invented fake sugar.

Now that you are properly identified, proceed with caution with whatever reason you are calling..  Be sure to explain as thoroughly as possible, siting every detail so the fine person on the line can best be equipped to help you.  Then be prepared that your 10 minute litany has just been reported to the wrong department, please hold while we connect you to client retention services,  where you will be expected to verify all of the above plus have your blood type ready as it is no doubt boiling to the point where that vein in your forehead is sticking out.   That department is headed up by Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta. He will be right with you after I put you on this brief hold….

Consider yourself lucky if you make it through in 3 people or less.   Kudos if you got off the phone in time before the seasons changed.   Remember, when all else fails,  have their best competitor ready as your ace in the hole,  tell them to forget it, you are going to switch to someone else,  and suddenly the CEO will appear on the line ready to give you 90% off next month’s bill.  But first, you will need to verify the zip codes of every place you have lived since 1975.

And after all of that,  would you mind waiting on hold for a brief survey so that we can better serve you next time ?   We promise it will be short, between 3 to 45 minutes only.

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