We interrupt our tour of corporate values to bring you a Leap Year trip to the Dentist. I may be on to a loophole here as instead of twice a year I would only have to go once every 4 years. I don’t think I have ever met a person who looks forward to this trip. Today was no exception. Any trip is viewed with a sense of dread, but today I had the privilege of getting not one but 2 cavities filled. The 2nd one was so large I was beginning to trap food for future meals back there. First it was a piece of lettuce, then some celery, but when you reach the point that entire meals were being lost you have to do something about it. I was reluctant as it is a nice bonus to have a burger you can access at any moment lodged somewhere between your cheek and esophagus. Squirrels were impressed with the quantity I could forage. But the time had come.
Not only was this a large cavity but it was so far back in my mouth my dentist appeared to be in up to his elbow. Better him than a proctologist I guess. This required the help of an assistant, multiple pieces of cotton, a wedge to keep my mouth open, and at least 5 metal apparatus that shot out air, water, and grape jelly. By the time all the items were in my mouth it was almost March. My favorite part is when random employees and patients walked by, most taking instant photos and sending them to friends and family with the comments of human salad bar referencing the food stuck back in my teeth. Off they went, and I don’t know about you but for me the worst part is the sound of the drill. I asked for triple doses of Novocaine as tooth pain is the worst there is next to having to wait at the DMV. I did not care if my lip sagged down to my stomach, I was not going through that mess. But the sound was bad enough. Both hands were clamped down on the arms of the dental chair to the point where I ruined them for future patients. There was one moment when the drill met nerve where no Novocaine was meant to go and I instantly wished both Dentist and assistant a lifetime of having no cable. I then bitch slapped both of them and from there the appointment progressed quickly. All items were taken out of my mouth and I pulled my lip back up and wrapped it around my head.
I had lost my snack pouch but it was replaced with sound dental hygiene and mouth numbness that extended down to my neck. The drive home was done in silence as I was not capable of talking, a state my family no doubt wishes for on a daily basis.
We end our story at home, knowing I had to eat something, and something I could not chew. I opted for yogurt, and the trick to eating yogurt on massive amounts of Novocaine is to shovel it in faster than it comes out. There were no witnesses to this event and for that I am eternally grateful. Even my dog stood spellbound as I ladled it in one side while it came out the other. Of course, I could have used a straw, but what is the fun in that ?
I hope you all enjoyed your extra day like I did, and if today is your birthday, I hope you did it right. You deserve it . By the way, what are you, 10 ???