Take me out to the new ball game

It is Memorial Day weekend, the time to ignore we ever had a virus and go back to what we always did best, infect each other. In honor of the holiday it is time to take on the National Pastime- Baseball ! The sport that has been around for centuries, all the way back to Adam and Eve who used to play baseball with the snake until they realized sinning was more fun.

Before I begin I must tell the baseball purists you better look away. For them, the sport is perfect, with no clock and the perfect balance of sports goodliness. While that may be true, it does take 3 to 4 hours to play and brings on napping almost as quickly as Thanksgiving turkey.

So here we go, my new rules that move this baby along quicker. I have also submitted this to Major League Baseball, waiting to hear back if this gets instituted in 2020. If not, they may be instituting me.


1.  I hate the pitch count.  It is basically pitch and catch until the batter eventually hits something. SO, one strike and you are out.  2 balls is a walk
2. You leave the batter’s box, you are out. This whole fix my crotch thing after each pitch is bullshit. Please fix your crotch in the dugout, or try penicillin.
3.  There are 30 teams, you play everyone twice,  and those 2 games are doubleheaders.  Basically a 60 game season in 30 days. Resting is for when the season is over.
4.   If you are hit by a pitch, you are out.

5.  Eliminate 2nd base.  You go straight from 1st base across to 3rd base.  If the pitcher gets in your way, you take him out. If you knock him over, he gets removed from the game by a reliever,  who gets no warming up. 
6.  If you hit the ball, no need to drop the bat.  It can be used as a weapon all the way to 3rd base.  This will also help with taking out the pitcher.
7.  First team to 3 runs wins, no last at bat for the home team. The game could be over in 10 minutes !
8.  You get 60 seconds between innings to start the next inning.  The pitcher is allowed to pitch before the batter is ready,  so you better move it.

9. I did 9 of these for 9 innings. Drinking is encouraged in the dugout, and you can take your beers out on the field. If your beer gets knocked over, you are out of the game.

I’d say the game will be over in less than an hour, even quicker if you run out of pitchers or beer. The ratings on this would be huge and I can see bat and beer sales go through the roof.

My next sport is hockey, where I will focus on more violence. And I just heard back from Major League Baseball. I am no longer allowed to own a bat, and I must wear a batting helmut for the rest of my life.

Baseball Fever, Catch it !

Hoop Dreams

Ok, let’s get right to it. As promised, Basketball is next. We can all admit this sport is much faster paced, but I believe we can speed this one up a bit more as the games can run up to 3 hours long.

My initial thought to shake things up was to create a Basketcube instead of a ball. It would make dribbling more challenging but the sharp edges could also injure all of the players in 5 minutes so I thought no one would go for it.

Here are my rule changes. This has been submitted to the NBA, patent pending. I have a good feeling about this, but I also had a good feeling about my changes to the Ice Capades and I am now banned from all events.


1.   Drop the shot clock down to 10 seconds. Let’s see who is in shape !
2.   First team to 50 wins, so no play clock needed.  
3.   Dribbling is optional.
4.   No fouls, and no foul shots. 
5.   No 3 pointers, but there is a 5 point shot from half court or beyond. 
6.   Bouncing a shot off an opponents head and in the basket is worth 10 points. 
7.  You can substitute in at any moment just by slapping hands. Game keeps going.
8.   The ball can be used as a weapon 3 times per game per team. No warning.  

9. The referee is allowed to blow his whistle at any point, take the ball, and run away. The players have to catch him before he gets out in traffic. If they don’t, the game is over. If they catch him, no more referees. There are no fouls anyway, so what is the point?

I realize that last one is ridiculous, but these are trying times and nobody likes referees anyway. I’d put this game over in about 45 minutes. I just saved you about 2 hours. You can now spend this time knitting or working on your collection of grass clippings.

I just heard back from the NBA and I am no longer allowed to bounce ANY ball for the rest of my life. Guess I will tackle baseball next. See you then.

Start it back up..

Here we go, time to get everything going again. Will we mess it up? Depends on who you talk to and how positive or negative they are. Either everything will be fine or we will be dead by Wednesday. May as well bring sports back before then!

This will be the first of a 5 part series on how I feel we should bring sports back, and some “creative” ideas on how to change the rules to speed things up or at least make them more interesting. Each part will focus on a different sport, listed in the order of when I believe they will come back.

Golf, Basketball,Hockey,Baseball,Football.

I will place this disclaimer at the very start. If you are a superfan of one of these sports you may not like what you are about to read. If nothing else my ideas will save you hours from staring at that TV.

Part 1 – Golf For some of you, you may prefer to watch flies mating or watching the grass grow. For others this sport may provide that perfect reason to take a nap after turning it on. Yes, golf follows its own pace and can be a tad slow, one round taking over 4 hours. That is about to change.

New Rules :
1.  You get 5 minutes per hole, from the first tee shot to getting it in the hole.  I know there is speed golf,  but this will show you who is in shape. 
2.  No caddies, carry your own freaking clubs. And you only get 3 clubs :  a putter, an iron and a wood. Choose wisely,  as you are carrying these with you as you run. 
3.  You only get one ball. Lose it and you are out. Done. If you put it in the lake,  better start swimming.  And there will now be sharks in all lakes.
4.  If you miss the 5 minute deadline of getting the ball in the hole,  you lose a club.  Since you only have 3, that would suck. If you lose all 3, you are out
5.  There are three players assigned to each grouping, and verbal insults are encouraged, especially while taking a shot. I am tired of the church like silence in the game.
6.  No more picking up balls off the green. If someone else’s ball is in the way, hitting it out of the way takes a shot off your score. 

I’d put the total time for a round at about an hour, maybe a bit more. Each tournament is still 4 rounds, but now they play it all in one day. You get a 10 minute break between rounds and get your clubs back to start over the new round. All you can eat in between rounds is hot dogs and beer. The game as we know it is now different. 
For the final round,  you have to carry the hot dogs and beer with you with your clubs. It could get messy, but this sport needs some messy. 

I have sent this proposal to the golf authorities but all I have to show for it so far is a restraining order. I will keep trying.

Next up, basketball

Get moving Buddy !


The Grocery Challenge

No matter how much you quarantine, sequester or curl up in the bath tub, eventually you will need to get food. We can all agree this is the toughest part of the Corona world to deal with. Going out into the world and dealing with the grocery store. It is hard to look back at what life was like, isn’t it? You never had to worry about being in Aisle 7, coming around the corner and being mortified at the sight of another person. Well those days are over pal, and fortunately you all know me and I have the perfect solution. I will get to it shortly, but until my plan is approved and implemented, I will give you these quick tips to help you keep 6 feet from that errant and moronic shopper.

At this point most of us are using some sort of mask and maybe your own gloves. I would suggest a shirt with the words “Will Kill for Food” on it. That may guarantee your own aisle, if not the entire produce section. Speaking of produce, apples can be picked up quickly and hurled at the groin area in a pinch if someone gets too close, and chopping up the lettuce with your own machete is sure to keep even the strangest of derelicts at bay.

But the true solution to safe shopping is the following. It is currently up for submission with the FDA, but I must say they have turned me down before. Back in the 80’s I submitted a blueprint to combine cookies with broccoli into the product Broccocookoli but was rejected after the taste forced 8 employees to the emergency room. Don’t hold your breath, but here is my plan.

When you get to the store, you are given a cart and 10 total minutes to shop. It is all timed. The person ahead of you is given a 2 minute head start and has to follow all of the arrows. If you catch up to them before they get to the checkout you get all of their food. Now this may sound mean for those that are either slow afoot or elderly, but those folks get the option of having their choice of either a cross bow or a tazer gun to defend themselves with. Now that is some exciting shit. If you cannot complete the shopping in 10 minutes a siren goes off and you also lose all of your food. You don’t have to pay for it but you will hang your head in shame.

I’ll tell you one thing, no more standing there for 5 minutes waiting to see what type of Oreos some asshole is going to choose. That was always a pain to begin with, now it is so much worse as you cannot get within 6 feet of the bastard. Now I know my ideas are extreme and may cause you to wonder why I am not in a rubber room, but you know what? These times are extreme. Everything around us is off the charts. We hear new things every single day now that make us long for the old days when hugging was still a thing, parties were in person and not over a phone app, and insulting each other was done face to face instead of the countless internet message boards. Crazy times mean crazy ideas, and I have a ton of them.

Wait until you see what I do with sports next, which from what I hear will be coming back in some form soon. Trust me, you will want to see the changes I would like to make.

Until then, stay safe in those stores as best you can. And whenever you don’t feel safe, a watermelon to the solar plexus will take the fight right out of them.

It’s only Hoarding to the next guy !!

Keep your Distance!

Ok, who else is sick and tired of this expression? This may have become the most overused saying since “at the end of the day” made its first annoying appearance. Social Distancing. We have beat it like the dead horse, and will continue to well into 2021.

Once again I am here to get you past this, and to offer up much better expressions that are more realistic to how we feel. First of all, the 6 feet of social distancing is not good enough, and not strong enough. If we want to beat this virus and get back to any sort of normal life we thought we had, better follow along below. It won’t be pretty, but it will get us back to not having a heart attack any time we see another human. I have 3 plans outlined below, listed in order of severity. Before reading make sure you are not eating anything.

Plan A – We start off with the 6 foot measurement. This should be reserved for family members and very good friends. Let’s be honest, no one knows who the hell has the virus and we are kidding ourselves to even worry about it. I am sure many families would prefer 6 miles over 6 feet but that is their problem. We will stick with 6 feet from your cousin Lucy. Take a yardstick out and wack her with it if it makes you feel better.

Anyone with the word Uncle or Aunty in front of their name that is not really your Uncle or Aunt is creepy as fuck and belongs at 12 feet. The next door neighbor everyone calls Uncle Willy needs 12 feet, trust me. He might need a straight jacket.

In the 18 feet category is anyone you know that likes to dress up in animal costumes and graze in traffic. While this may be a minority 18 feet feels about right.

All other people outside of these categories gets 30 feet. Don’t ask questions, but 10 yards ought to do it for the other 7 billion people.

Plan B – Let’s crank it up. Toss aside Social Distancing and get your arms around these new concepts. This shit will flatten the curve in a weekend.

  1. Civilized Menacing – throw on some fake blood and run around your neighborhood barking like a dog. Watch the for sale signs go up the next day. You may have made others cities curves go up but you sure as hell flattened the one in your town.
  2. Destructive Repulsion – this is all about giving generalized looks of disdain and horror to anyone you meet. Their disgust is your road to safety. Watch it catch on where eventually the scowl will be the new hip look.
  3. Gregarious Berating – this is a general form of verbal insulting that is sure to put anyone in their place when they venture with 10 feet of you. I believe the more creative you get with it, the longer the shield shall last. “You best keep it the f— back you smelly ass carrier of germs” is just one example. Keep it brief and to the point, share the love.

Plan C – here we go, the most extreme, and I am hoping you are still with me. This is a global plan that I am not sure everyone will take hold of, but a man can dream :

Everyone gets their own zip code. Simple. I have reserved 3,478,765. Stay in your zip code and all is well. If someone else ventures into it and I can take them out. And I don’t mean to dinner. (We all know that is take out now anyway and that is no fun). Once the disposal of the body is accomplished, their zip code is now yours. This turns into a real world game of Risk. Eventually we will have 7 people left, one in each continent. And buddy, if that ain’t social distancing, I don’t know what is .

Tune in over the weekend when I come up with much better and safer ways to grocery shop. Fuck those arrows, my way will work, and you will come out with a lot more food….

The origin of social distancing, directly from Gotham City, note the proper use of gloves and masks…..

It’s time for a break….

I think we can all admit it is time to stop talking about this…… all….the….time

The usual idle banter is now limited, as you can’t talk sports, your glee club meetings or about any live event with a lot of people at it that were interesting that you attended.

And if someone mentions I need to watch Tiger King one more time….. ain’t gonna happen.

So let’s take a quick pause and not watch every commercial that is letting us know they are right there with us when we know they are not.

Instead, let’s watch every state open up one by one and take advantage of the front row seat we will have to whether or not this was a good idea.

Let’s get excited about future issues in the Plethora of Pandemic Pandemonium !

Coming up :

  • Social Distancing the correct way – a tad more extreme – I promise you will find my ideas equally intriguing and disturbing
  • Grocery shopping with a vengeance – the most challenging of safe activities right now, I give you all the tips and tricks to getting food and alienating citizens.
  • Sports – How I believe they should come back, with new rules that keep the game shorter and puts the players in more danger.

See you all soon.. Try to stay safe, and if you cannot be safe, take out as many others as you can in the process.

Coping with the Stress of Panic and Anxiety

Next up in our continuing series of the 2020 Pandemithon is a complete guide for how to get you through the never before seen, never before encountered shit show of an unprecedented event that is all anyone can think or talk about.

Now you can spend hundreds of dollars in therapy, talk to your doctor over the phone, join a support group with other mortified humans, or even try animal therapy by purchasing 12 goats, or you can read the below. I personally guarantee by the time you are done you will be cured and forget there ever was a virus.

This is a well thought out plan with one disclaimer. If it doesn’t work for you it is your fault. I am trying to help and if you did not get the results you were expecting, well maybe it is time to expect a lot less.

So how do we get through these trying times? I wake up each day scared shitless due to what is going on, not sure to what lengths I should protect myself, or if I need to scrub my entire body with a wire brush for an hour a day, every day. What the hell do I do next? I mean, really, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NEXT?


First of all, calm the fuck down. Put the coffee away, turn off the TV, hug something next to you that is not infested with germs, and have a seat on the couch. That’s a start.. Now, you need to do each of the things listed below at least once a day and this will enable you to see life in a different and unusual way that will end with you not worrying about washing or polishing or wiping down everything you have ever owned. You can also do them twice a day but you do risk severe addiction.

The below are proven to work in 90 percent of all humans. If you are not one of them, well then I guess you are doomed.

  1. Drinking your way through this is no way to cope with a pandemic. Anyone who tells you that is an idiot. The truth is, it is the only way, so bottoms up !
  2. Exercise is crucial. Since gyms are no longer available, I suggest bench pressing the dog or curling with the cat. Opening and closing the refrigerator works your triceps and skipping around the house to show tunes works not only your calves, but your pancreas. 3 hours ought to do it. If any muscle starts to burn it is normal, unless it is your heart, then you are probably dying.
  3. When the walls are closing in and it is raining outside, when the bottle is empty and there’s nowhere left to hide, napping will be sure to take the edge off. Best time to do this is right after you wake up in the morning. Nothing gets the day started better than going back to sleep.
  4. In lieu for screaming at the TV, go outside, and run laps around your house as fast as you can. It helps if your neighbors are outside watching. With each passing lap, be sure to expose yourself in some way while singing “Raindrops keep falling on my head”. You might never get invited to that cook out, but watch the stress melt away.
  5. Do your best to not watch television. It will only make your day worse. If you have to watch something, the Panic channel has a free preview in the month of May. This week they are showing live beheadings and have a great cooking channel where you have to guess the human body part they are baking.
  6. This activity should be done at least 5 times a day. Make a mental note of every person in your lifetime that has let you down and then call them randomly with a cell phone that is not traceable. When they answer, scream out “Get out of the house before the bomb explodes” and hang up. Nothing perks up your mood more than letting someone know they may have only seconds to live.
  7. Finally, before bedtime, you need to relax and unwind. Close all the curtains, put on your clown suit and think nothing but happy thoughts. You can hold your favorite knife if you want to, while you count to 100 and convince yourself this will all be over in the morning.
  8. If it is not over in the morning, repeat steps 1 through 7 again.

Ok, give the above a try and let me know how it goes. Some folks take to it right away, others could take decades to see results. It is all up to you. Remember I am here for you if you have any questions.

I have faith in you

give it all you got

go the extra mile

be all you can be

here’s looking at you

just do it

make today great

you deserve a break today

the best is yet to come

baby we were born to run

one day at a time

one step at a time

one shot at a time

do what makes you happy

do who makes you happy

you can go far in life

take the road less traveled

don’t get the short end of the stick

never give up

give up after 10 minutes

you got this

well maybe you don’t but who gives a shit

never do something hard unless it is easy

the only one who can stop you is that big dude over there

everytime you get back up is a small victory no matter what creaks.

Fuck it, we’re all going to die anyway.

What did you learn about yourself?

I have been seeing this one a lot lately. Since the pandemic has started, everyone wants to know what you have “learned” about yourself. You can’t leave your house, you can’t pollute the air, you can’t sweat with random strangers at the gym, surely this virus has caused you to look within the depths of your soul to see who you really are, what you are all about and where you want to go next.

I have thought about this many times since this all began in March, reaching deep within my esophagus to pull out my inner yearnings and random musings. At long last, below are the cherished ponderings of what I have learned during the virus of 2020. Feel free to share, or simply be horrified.

1- Hostess cupcakes are fucking good. I know they are terrible for you, but so is the coronavirus so who really gives a shit anymore. You can eat 3 bags until you feel sick, that is what I have learned.

2- Canned goods are making a comeback. In normal times I would go right past that aisle, but damn, Spaghettios should be its own food group. Open the can, no need to heat, or even use a spoon. You may need to shower afterward, but canned goods, yes, that is what I have learned.

3- You can play Monopoly against yourself for about 15 hours before you get into arguments. I almost had myself bankrupt until I landed on Park Place and found 4 hotels and an Applebee’s on it. That shit ain’t right, and I called myself on it. Time to shut that game down, that is what I have learned.

4- On Day 1 of shelter in place, I found out you can sit in silence for 11 hours with no problem if you have the proper adult linens on. It was at that point my wife pointed out that shelter in place did not mean I had to stay in one position for 3 months. Moving around the house was an option, that is what I have learned.

5. There is a direct correlation to the number of hours you watch the news on TV to the amount of time you spend curled up in the fetal position in the bathtub. I have learned that the outdoors was invented for a reason.

6. Speaking of outdoors, I have learned that there is a serious adjustment time to walking outside, seeing a human, and not wanting to run screaming in the other direction. I did this several times, and have since found that no humans will come anywhere near my house. Rumor has it my community nickname is now “Blood Curdling”.

7. I have learned that toilet paper hoarding can turn into the best forts. I have removed all of my furniture and now live in the lap of luxury of Castle Cottonelle. You can fit snacks in the rolls and if you have a call to nature, well you know what to do. I did warn you about being horrified.

8. For Number 8, we will pause briefly on what I have learned to realize that the world has reset, been put on hold, been placed on the back burner, has slowed its roll, taken a holiday, eased on down the road and wants us to know it’s ok to take a brief pause, look around and marvel at how badly we fucked things up on this planet. We now will resume the learning.

9. I have learned that life goes on without sports. I have played them, watched them, bet on them a few thousand times, but although the mighty sports cog has grinded to a halt, I have learned that I can still bet on which Crab gets the cheez-it I threw at it first. Side learning note: Cheez-its are fucking good too. They are chock full of thiamin mononitrate and annatto extract color and that’s what gives it the fake cheesiness flavoring likeness to a cracker.

10. Finally, it feels right to end at 10. I am sure I could go on and probably will sometime later down the road, but I have no doubt lost most of you at this point and feel this should be my last learning lesson to all of you. As you can see I have spent the past 2 months wisely, truly digging deep to the inner spleen of my being to share with you what I am all about. For some of you, these may be new things, for others, well it may sound just about right. The true learning in all of this is that dealing with all of this anxiety and anguish can either bring out the best in you, or it can do to you what it has obviously done to me.

Don’t be like me. If you have learned nothing else, learn that.. Time to see how many Twinkies I can stuff in my mouth at the same time…..

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU ALL !!!!!

Out of Hiding….

First of all I wanted all of you to know that despite what you have heard the past two months, I am fairly certain we ARE all alone. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long we all remain in this together. I tried giving it a shot at remaining apart until I got 17 e-mails from CEO’s of every utility company I have ever paid a bill to that wanted me to know what they were doing for me. I had no idea the shit they had been doing all this time, but their outpouring of letting me know they were there for me brought me to tears. Humanity was restored until I read the last sentence of the email that reminded me that this was only true if I continued to pay my fucking bill.

There may be no sports, no dinners, no haircuts, no working out and no fun of any kind but I find great comfort in knowing that all of the celebrities ever created were all willing to share that they were at home doing absolutely nothing as well, making note of how much bigger and nicer their house was than mine in the process.

So what if we can’t get together to celebrate each other’s company? Hit a button and there they are on the screen, just like they are in the room with you. And as soon as you become bored of them, all you have to do is hit the red X? Count me in to this virus infested world! Just when you thought you were all in this together? Boom, you are alone again.

I went from not touching my face to not needing a mask, to maybe needing a mask, to now needing a mask, all the while washing my hands with everything from hand sanitizer to petroleum oil. The one being completely scarce and the other we don’t know where to put. I began washing my face with toilet paper and then not touching my hands with my mask, unless I am either asymptomatic or have the runs.. This week we are flattening the curve, next week we may be living the new normal. I just want to go back to the old abnormal where I never washed my hands or even used toilet paper. Sure that sounds disgusting but I also drank right out of a hose and wiped my nose on my sleeve and still managed to live to 56.

We live in uncertain times where we don’t know how long this will last. If I continue to socially distance myself with contact tracing and testing myself with a rectal thermometer every 6 hours, will this get the CEO’s to stop e-mailing me, and the celebrities to stop making videos? I know we are all in this together, but it is too much to ask for some peace and quiet?

One more thing, in case you forgot, remember to stay at home, just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz said, there ain’t no place like it. Time to record Ostrich racing from Istanbul on the Bird network.

They might not be 6 feet apart but the commercials showing pelicans all being in this together is fantastic.