Taking homework by the Tomlet

Who said Shakespeare was hard to read?   We give you ,  Anna’s homework, taking on a famous soliloquy and bringing it home.  Rosencrantz would be proud.  I just hope Anna is not Laertes for school tomorrow..  Do you Ophelia me ?  The Horatio of jokes to non jokes is getting out of hand.. I can tell you we laughed so hard I may have pulled my Guildenstern.

Without further adieu :

To sleep, or not to sleep: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis better for my body to suffer
The slings and arrows of waking up early
Or to take arms against my dad trying to wake me up,
And by opposing, miss school. To die, if I wake up early;
More sleep; and by a sleep to say we end
My body aches and the thousand natural shocks
That coffee helps with, ‘tis an espresso
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, if I wake up early;
To sleep: perchance to dream; ay, there’s my weekend;
For in that sleep, what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off to play Mortal Kombat,
Must give us a pause button: there’s my breakfast
That makes me no longer hungry of so long life;
For who would bear the eggs and bacon of time,
The vegetarian’s wrong, the proud man needs sausage,
The pangs of despised Monday mornings, the two hour delays,
The insolence of homework and the burns
of my dad making unworthy dinner
When he himself might his quietus make
If only that would ever happen,
As he never shuts up.
To grunt and sweat doing weary math,
And hoping there’s no math after death,
The undiscover’d geometry from whose
isosceles triangle returns, puzzles my brain
And makes us bear those right angles we have
Than copy other people’s homework.
Thus math does make cowards of us all;

And thus the only path of resolution
Is calling in sicklied o’er with the pale cast in spring
And enterprises of end of school year and summer
With this regard their classrooms turn awry
And lose the name of action.-Go away you now!
The fair June! July, in thy August
Be all my summers remember’d

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Hell no, we won’t go….

On to the tougher of the scenarios,  the no show conundrum.   As we all know,  getting invited to something and then not showing up without any reply will not work unless you enjoy having a grudge held against you for decades.   If that is your thing,  good luck with the shame and guilt that is associated with it.

For the majority of us,  we will need to develop game plans, blueprints, schematics and analytics to be prepared for all of the reasons we do not want to go to cousin Wilhem’s graduation from 5th grade,  or Uncle Stu’s party for his dog that was just neutered.  And those events are the easy ones.   The harder one are obviously Christmas, Thanksgiving,  and any birthday of a friend or family member once you have blazed the trail of going to the first one.   Repeat visits are always expected,  and if you are part of a round-table,  God forbid you have to host any event as part of the rotation.

Once you are in this vortex,  getting out is not easy, and saying that your son Gordy has the sniffles will not suffice.   That will be sniffed out as a lie faster than you can say “RSVP”.    I have developed several of my favorites below    I personally have a list over of 2,000 excuses,   contents of which are kept in a safe and properly laminated and encrypted for safe keeping.  I am passing along this list to my daughters when I die, and we have weekly training sessions on how to pull these off without detection.   Parental skills vary across all families,  mine tends to focus of how to get out of parties and injecting expletives in day to day conversation.  Father of the year applications for 2016 are forthcoming.

Here goes,  and you are welcome in advance.   If you say this came from me,  we are no longer friends and I will not attend any of your parties..  (see, there’s #1 excuse already for me)

  • Sorry we cannot make it on Saturday.   I am getting a tattoo on my spleen.
  • We will try to swing by but this Friday is our monthly life skills training on how to avoid people who talk to themselves at the post office.   We never miss it.
  • For Christmas this year I decided to mail myself to a small family in Chile.  It will help pay for my daughter’s college fund.  I hope to be back by Easter,  but I may be gone for the next 7 holidays.   One never knows with these self mailing excursions.  Tell you what,  I will contact you when I can make the next holiday of obligation.
  •  We plan on stopping by if we can get this head lice thing under control.  At the very least we will slow down to 25 MPH and throw a present out the window.
  •  For New Year’s Eve this year,  we decided to do something that will make a difference and do good in the world.   We are going to paint the entire neighborhood.   Swing on by for New Year’s as we chose fuchsia for everyone.
  • As fun as Jordan’s getting out of prison party sounds,  we have volunteered at the local bitch and complain about everything luncheon.   It is a pot luck ,   we are bringing salted meats and plan on whining about the lack of toilet paper in all grocery stores.

Well,  I could go on and on as I have another 1,995 of these,  but I think you get the idea.  And if you cannot think of any excuse at all,  always go with “INSERT NAME in the family has some form of communicable disease.”    Works like a charm….

We gotta get out of this place…

As promised,  I have poured over tons of data and analysis to give you the best opportunities for how to do 2 things :

  1. Get out of any event or engagement early
  2. Get out of the event or engagement completely without sounding like a whiny bitch that does not want to go.

Today we focus on #1 – getting out early .   We have all been there, a party, a company picnic,  a brothel,  basically somewhere we were invited and you are just not enjoying yourself.  This is especially painful if you realize this a mere 5 minutes after showing up.   What’s a fella or couple to do?   My wife and I usually have a code word or sentence that we come up with prior to the event.  Mine always get vetoed of course,  as who wants it to be “My ass is sweaty”  or “Look honey, my scab has broke open”  at a social event.   We also tried bird calls, but mine was always a loud “KA KA”  that drew attention and embarrassed my family to the point where I walked home.   You can go with the code phrase, but agree to it and rehearse it at home before trying it.

Other ways :

Create a diversion and jump out a side window.  Lighting something on fire will do the trick.  It also makes it easier if that side window is open.

We have all done the “I am not feeling well” routine, but let’s face it,  no one there is buying it. If you are going to go that route,  do it the right way and bring some butternut squash soup with you.   When you go to the bathroom, some retching noises and spillage into the commode will bring it on home.   They will literally push you out of there.  You may not be invited back.    And I do apologize if you were thinking about having soup for your next meal.

If you have small children, this one will work. If you don’t, rent some.  Bringing kids to a party where no one else has kids will show you immediately where things lie at the gala.   If you get quick glances and head turns in the other direction,  your stay is short.   Toddlers that swear will get you out even faster.   If you have toddlers and they need lessons in proper party swearing etiquette,  look me up at tomfritzswears.com .  If you know either of my daughters, my work speaks for itself.

This one is reserved for any event that you are invited to where you barely know one person, and everyone else has no clue who you are ..  Almost feels like the aforementioned crashing,  but “technically” you were invited.  This one truly sucks especially when all heads turn to look at you when you walk in. Awkward as hell.  You cannot “just” walk out..  Although we have done that before and it is as fun as ringing a doorbell and running away when you were kids.  What you “should” do is stay and be whoever you want to be.  Mess with people. You do not know anyone and more than likely you will never see them again.    Might I suggest being Bob and Maxine Rasputin from the town of Bastard Creek.   You are an inventor of toys for kids that like playing with sharp things, and your wife does custom artwork with only a chain saw and a number 2 pencil.  You will get to leave in 10 minutes but drive home quickly as they may have called the cops.

This should be enough to get you started.  Remember, I am always here to help with ideas.  You really should try that bird call once.  If nothing else it scares the crap out of everyone..   Enjoy !!

 

I got it all wrong

I must apologize.   While crashing a wedding was fun and will always been encouraged,  I feel l have led you all astray with my advice.  Rather than helping you get into uninvited events,  I should be helping you get out of invited events that you do not want to go to.

First up we will start with the easier of the 2 options : How to leave early from events or obligations that are as much fun as spackling in a sleet storm.

After that we will take on the more difficult of the 2 : Getting out of the event altogether while at the same time keeping a small amount of your human dignity.

Neither of these are easy so I need to put some thought into it.. An hour ought to do it.  Hey, it’s not like you can just disappear to an island at the end of the earth where no one knows where you live.  Wait a second……..

dog warming

Other forms of crashing…

We had such an enjoyable evening showing up at someone else’s wedding without an invitation,  it got me to thinking about other ways we could either enhance or ruin an occasion for a small or even large gathering.   I will go by order of difficulty.

1 – Funeral crashing – this was also noted in Wedding crashers and perfected by Will Ferrell.   A bit morbid for my liking but you might be able to score some good food afterward.  No one is usually that hungry so may get some to go bags too.   (Sure it’s incredibly wrong, but I sure as hell hope someone crashes mine and they better get at least a good tuna sub for their efforts)

2 – Birthday crashing – the beauty of this is it can be done anywhere.  Restaurant with folks singing ? Well sidle on up to the chorus and help belt it out.  This could get you a shot,  a beer, and leftovers at their table when no one is looking.    Wander the streets of your local neighborhood.  You see a bouncy house going up,  climb on in and knock a few kids around.  The grownups will love you,  you will come out looking thirsty and someone is bound to put a drink in your hand.  From there you will have cake coming and if you make it inside,  you may find yourself on their Christmas card list by the end of the night.

3-  Baptism crashing – this gets a bit tougher as you will need to cruise the churches and read up on the Church bulletins.  But once you are in and reciting all the prayers about blessing and keeping the little tyke it all rolls downhill like holy water off a baby’s forehead.   It helps to know the kid’s name too.  You will have been part of saving him or her from eternal damnation and there is a good chance to score BBQ ribs or chicken afterward.  Extra credit if you are made an honorary godfather.

4-  Outdoor Barbecue crashing – this is your garden variety Memorial Day/ 4th of July / Labor Day picnic where you just roll up out of the blue with a 12 pack.  This one takes some guts but I find if the quality of your beer exceeds most of what is already there,  they will shrug it off and welcome you into the fold.   A covered dish will surely seal the deal,  even if it is under-cooked meat or egg salad that went bad 2 weeks ago.   The sooner you are doing shots and bad mouthing other countries,  the better your chance for an invite next year.

5-   Thanksgiving crashing –  Ok, this one gets a lot harder.  Showing up at a random house on Thanksgiving day could get your ass beat.   Here is my advice on this one : Pick a big house and a large family, preferably many aunts and uncles.  Come in through the side door, during the random football game the guys are screaming about.  You will have to bring a heavy hitter, perhaps Jamison or Crown Royal, and start pouring as the men are high fiving.  Immediately find a spot on the couch and plant it until dinnertime.  If they have 2 turkeys you are in.  If anyone asks you what you are thankful for, say “Love of family, candied yams, and short prison sentences”.  They will all laugh and shake their heads on who they assume to be crazy Uncle Will.   Oh,  and be sure to introduce yourself as Uncle Will…..

6-  Finally, the toughest of them all,  random dinner crashing.   Pick any house, show up at dinnertime,  knock on the door and say “sorry I’m late for dinner”  Walk right in and sit down at the table. If you pull this one off you are a legend.  More than likely you will be arrested,  but be sure you grab a chicken leg before you get cuffed.    When you get to the police station,  find out when the policeman’s ball is..  You know what to do from there. .

 

 

Okracoke Crashers

Much has been documented on the rules of Wedding crashing.   If you have seen the well known movie,  there are over 100 of them.  While highly entertaining and funny , it is just a movie and not realistic.  Case in point,  a 50 something male taking his wife to crash a wedding in Okracoke.   Before we get to that,  let me explain Okracoke island to those folks that are not familiar.   You can Google it and get the history, for there is much written and you would find pirate lore and Blackbeard’s demise at the top of the list.  Great stuff.

My take on it,  you drive to the Outer Banks first, then drive to Hatteras Island,  then go to the end of it,  hop on a ferry, land in Okracoke, and then drive through 13 miles of amazing nature to reach the village, which I call concentrated magic.   The only other place I have encountered like it is in Jim Thorpe, Pa.     Both are so worth the trip if you ever get the chance.

So here we were, and here are my simplified rules of crashing.

1-  Pretend you belong there.  To me, the most important.  Be confident that you were invited and mingle as such.   It helps if the others are drunk.

2-  Blend in.   No fancy hats or outrageous clothes.  Find out what the indigenous attendees are wearing and meld accordingly.  Powder blue did the trick here.

3-  Go right to the bar.   The folks working there could care less if you were invited, and if you tip them properly you are all set.   From there start clapping at all the right moments of the evening.  But not too loudly.

4-  Entertain the children.  I do not recommend balloon animals as was done in the movie, but getting the kids laughing is always a good way to win everyone over.   Dogs are even better, although not always in attendance.

That’s all I have, but I can tell you it worked.  I was also able to score some good desserts including 3 Musketeers and Milano cookies.   The one question my wife has asked me over the past 18 years more than any other is “Where did you get that?”    Never give away your secrets…..

Owen and Vince were awesome in the movie,   but let’s see them doing that in their 50’s and bringing their wife along.    Here is Rule #1 and the best  :

Rule #1 – Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.

(And always have plenty of desserts available)

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Live, Laugh, Love and Play

Here’s hoping you get to do all 4 today, as these are the things that really matter.  If playtime does not work out,  you still have the other three to get you through the day.  If it ends up that you did not laugh,  you can still live and love.  If everyone around you is pissing you off,   you are stuck with living.     And if that is no longer true it is doubtful you are even reading this..

Off to crash a wedding in Okracoke… will have more details upon our return over the weekend.