Calling all Services – just press or say Part 2..

In an effort to keep my posts somewhat short and readable without having you pack a lunch,   I omitted a personal favorite of the customer service call that specializes in the caller battling the voice activated phone system. You know what I mean,  the gatekeeper that likes to keep you from speaking to that live person you will never understand.   Years ago,  you could cheat the system by pressing 0,  and knew would get excellent live interchange within the next hour or 2.  Then the powers that be introduced another option.   I could either key in my options on the phone,  or I could say it directly into my phone, having full confidence that whatever I said would be interpreted perfectly by this miracle of technology.   But rather than try to explain the ins and outs,  let’s just go directly to the way it usually goes for me,  which as you know is always recorded for training purposes.   Whoever does listen to this for training needs instant therapy afterward.

Them :  Thank you for calling Generic Bank and Loan,  press or say 1 for English, Presione o diga 2 para español

Me :  English

Them :   ¿Cómo podemos ayudarle hoy?

Me : ENGLISH !

Them :  Please press or say 1 for Sales,  2 for Billing, 3 for a lost or stolen debit card,  4 if you wish to lodge a complaint,   If you wish to cancel , please hang up and call back at 1-800-Cancel between the hours of 3 am to 3:15 am on Tuesdays only.    If you need to discuss something specific, please say 7, then use the # sign,  then *, and then key in the extension number of the person you would like to speak to, if you do not know it,  press 7#75* for the company directory, keying in the last 14 letters of the person’s name.     If you would like any of the above in German,  press or say Die Amerikaner sind Idioten.

Me :  I would like to talk to a person

Them :  We would be happy to direct your call to a person, please hold while we find out who is not on break, or who may actually give a shit about your problem.  But first, please explain to use in 75 words or less the reason for your inquiry and why our 16 different menu items will not give you said answer you difficult bastard.

Me :  I WANT TO TALK TO A LIVE PERSON

Them :  There is no need to get hostile, we are connecting you as soon as we are done with training on all of the previous calls you have made.  But first, can we interest you in a new program we are having for asshole customers like you ?

Me :  NO !

Them :  No problem,  we will now connect you straight through to Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta.   Please be sure to speak clearly as he is hungover.

Me :   私はすべての地獄 ! 」を参照してください !

(You don’t want to know what that translates to !!  )

Calling all Services !!

Getting back to the corporate world,  let’s take a pit stop at the village that is customer service,  specifically the phone call to the vendor of your choice.   But before we get there, I do have to tell you that our menu has changed.  We are also experiencing high call volumes at this time,  even though it is 4am , and that your estimated wait time could be as high as 12 hours.   You do have the option of leaving a message and we will call you back,  but it is a safe bet that call back may happen after you are dead.  Best to stay on hold and listen to 57 reasons why you should upgrade your services with us, as it is only available for a limited time, subject to credit approval and availability in your area.  As your frustration level reaches the point of wanting to choke any living thing that will eventually answer that phone,  the clicking sound comes and you have a live human being on the other line.   Percentages will put it at 50-50 that there is any chance you will understand what comes out of that person’s mouth.   The advice here is to try not to muddle through, hang up and start all over.   This is highly known as the call in Russian Roulette.   Play it safe and re-load for the next call.  If you can’t make it past the 3rd try,  it is recommended that you give up,  call it a day, and resort to binge watching violent shows on Netflix.

Now let’s say you make it through, you have a live one that sounds like English is a primary language, and problem solving skills are on their resume,  before you get to dig into whatever you are calling about,  please make sure you have the following ready to identify yourself.    I would be ready with ALL of this,  and would plan ahead for this phone call like you would a vacation.   You will need your account number,  your 4 digit pass code,  your social security number, your driver’s license, your address including zip code,  your online login ID,  your date of birth, your spouse’s date of birth, the maiden name of either parent,  the street you lived on when you were 7,  your favorite pet’s name,  and favorite ice cream flavor before they invented fake sugar.

Now that you are properly identified, proceed with caution with whatever reason you are calling..  Be sure to explain as thoroughly as possible, siting every detail so the fine person on the line can best be equipped to help you.  Then be prepared that your 10 minute litany has just been reported to the wrong department, please hold while we connect you to client retention services,  where you will be expected to verify all of the above plus have your blood type ready as it is no doubt boiling to the point where that vein in your forehead is sticking out.   That department is headed up by Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta. He will be right with you after I put you on this brief hold….

Consider yourself lucky if you make it through in 3 people or less.   Kudos if you got off the phone in time before the seasons changed.   Remember, when all else fails,  have their best competitor ready as your ace in the hole,  tell them to forget it, you are going to switch to someone else,  and suddenly the CEO will appear on the line ready to give you 90% off next month’s bill.  But first, you will need to verify the zip codes of every place you have lived since 1975.

And after all of that,  would you mind waiting on hold for a brief survey so that we can better serve you next time ?   We promise it will be short, between 3 to 45 minutes only.