Man, my arms are tired…

We take time out from the Horoscopes to report on a recent cross country trip.  Over the past 5 days I have traveled a total of 6,356 miles,  give or take a yard.  I went from a raging Nor’easter on Super Bowl Sunday with 50 mph head winds, to 80 degrees of CA,  back to a snowstorm on Friday afternoon.  As I type the wind is howling and flurries fly on the island.   It does feel like 2 different worlds.   Going from this tiny place to the crazy bustle of the Charlotte airport, then to San Francisco where the town collectively was breathing a sigh of relief as the Super Bowl blew out of town as I rolled in.    Everyone in such a hurry to get everywhere they were going,  all carrying some form of technology that did not exist even 10 years ago.  It is amazing to watch.   The seats on the plane always seem to get smaller,  the snacks no longer free,  and everyone with headphones on.   We have come so far in the ability to get information at just the swipe of our finger, but at the same time lost the ability to communicate. On the way out I saw a small toddler with his Mom and our eyes met.  We both smiled at each other as if we understood what everyone else was missing out on.   I believe I caught him before he got his first Iphone for his 3rd birthday.

Airports and airplanes can be fun,  you need to stop and observe.  It helps to be early for your flight.  The urgency on the faces,  you swear they are all late for performing surgery on someone.  Then,  my favorite,  the cattle shoot of the boarding process.  Everyone has a ticket with an assigned seat,  but you’d swear it was first come first served.  What used to be first class and then everyone else is now about 25 different priority classes.

This cannot be made up :  First Class, AAdvantage Executive Platinum / AAdvantage Platinum oneworld Emerald / Sapphire Class, AAdvantage Gold oneworld Ruby Class,  AirPass / Priority Class and then, only then by Zone.  By the time it was time for me to board my seat was in the bathroom.   At least I was in a Class all by myself,  which is where I prefer to be anyway.    I was then offered a small can of Pringles but had to get credit approval first.

I have gone ahead of myself.  Before you can even get near the plane, the best part :   Going through security.   Here goes :  Have your driver’s license ready with your boarding pass, but that only gets you through pre-security.  From there you must remove your shoes, your belt, all items in your pocket,  your laptop has to be by itself in its own tray, your liquids in its own baggie, any clothing that makes you warm in its own tray,  and don’t forget to remove any sense of humor as an attempt to be coy or witty will be met with a cavity search by some guy named Gunther.  Keeping my mouth shut was the most difficult part of the security process.   Then you go into the wand portal where your DNA no doubt gets fucked with.   Congrats if you made it through but make sure your body parts are in the correct place.   Then you get to reclaim all of your belongings in the 4 trays and re-assemble yourself on the other side.   You can now resume talking…. Unless of course you still have those headphones on…..

I now have just enough time to get on that plane, what Class am I in again ?

Horoscope for Gemini

This gang truly does not give a fuck. They grab life by the horns and wrestle it to the ground, then brush themselves off and gargle with a small rodent. Their Horoscope usually revolves around finding ways to stick it to the man, only the stick they use is pointed and is laced with a poison only found in either the jungles of the Amazon or Detroit. For the Gemini, let us play it safe and tell them good day sir and then we will get the hell away from them. For compatible signs there are none. They find Libra’s annoying and would eat a Virgo for breakfast if they got to the McDonalds 5 minutes after 11 am. Other than that, they find beauty in all living things provided it makes them a profit and they can blame everything on a Scorpio. They are a complex mélange of arrogance, fortuitiveness and ambidextriclarity. At this point I was making up words to be sure you were still listening. Let’s move on.

Horoscopes the way they should be.

Tell it like it is , stop dancing around and tell me what’s really going to happen..    Here you go,  starts with Aries,  as I here they are the most needy..

Horoscope for Aries:

You are the perfect blend of moodiness and suppressed violence. You ride on the wings of a bird while multitasking the chores of the day. Nothing shall get in your way as you soar through this expansive planet with a broom in one hand and a sawed off shotgun in the other. The year ahead looks bright and filled with bullet holes. Your sense of awe is rivaled only by your ability to re-load quickly. You see potential in all living things as long as they stay the fuck out of your way. Patience may not be your strong suit, but you recognize it well and counteract it with fits of rage. A walk in the park may not suit your fancy, unless an ambush is expected, then you are as fresh as a daisy and looking to maim. Take heart that this is your year, it is owed to you by gosh and by golly, so take what is yours and sort out the bodies later. Remember, seize the day was written for you, and if there are no fingerprints, you are free as a bird and out on bail in no time. Hostages are your friend, and a ransom saved is a ransom earned. Keep a close eye out for all Libras, as they are pricks and all work for the government. Look to marry a Leo, it also helps if he is named Leo to boot.