One game away

The Mets are on the precipice of the World Series.  The focus advice has gone well other than a dismal Giants showing on Monday night, but we must carry on my wayward son,  for there will be a World Series when you are done.    We must sally forth and muster all the focus we can to put away the Cubbies tonight without giving them any hope of a miraculous comeback, as that is all they are now clinging to.  They may bring their primitive chants and superstitions and good luck charms, but they need to be squashed like a bug tonight…  And when those Cubbies are singing take me out to the ball game in the 7th inning,  let them be down 5-1 and heading for the exits…

In the words of Pete Townsend,  you must FACE the Cubs.

Face the Cubs, got to face the Cubs
Face the Cubs, got to face the Cubs

You must have heard the cautionary tales
The dangers hidden on the cul-de-sac trails
From wiser men who’ve been through it all
And the ghosts of Cubs fans spray-canned up on the wall

We’ve got to judge the umps
Got to find the holes
We’ve got to steal the bases
Have to hit the ball down the lines
We must throw the strikes
And run on home
We must take the pitch
And walk to first
Try to place the ball
Where we can face the Royals.
We got to face the media
Try to place the ball
Where we can face the Royals
Face the Cubs, got to face the Cubs.
Face the Cubs, got to face the Cubs.


The Game 1 focus guide – patent pending…

Ok, time for a focus check. We have reached the National League Championship Series, against the Cubs, as the Swami had predicted when we started this pilgrimage a few weeks ago. But I am not here to tout my predicting abilities (ok maybe a little bit). We need to re-assess, re-evaluate, re-focus, re-animate, re-incarnate, rewind, recalibrate, recapitulate, reconstruct, refabricate, and remonstibalate. Ok I made that last word up but I think you get the point that I am trying to beat you with. The Mets are now playing for the right to go the World Series, against a team that has not won the Series in over a century. The goat, Bill Buckner, Steve Bartman, Harry Carry, Bill Murray, we know all of the stories. This shall be no small feat, and you will be going up against a ton of focus here.
The Chicago Bears stink this year so will have that entire town focusing on the Cubs.

As we go back to the Giants schedule, we are in luck of the Monday night game versus the Eagles being the Travel day between Game’s 2 and 3. We have the scheduling gods working for us, but we may need a bit more.
Looking down the road a bit quite frankly scares the living shit out of me. The potential of a Game 7 next Sunday, the same day the Giants host the hated Cowboys at 4:30 pm, could leave you with mere minutes to shift focus in time for Game 7… But let’s not go to that focus doomsday scenario yet as we have 6 games before it. I am working on a master focus plan for that to be announced if necessary.
2 big games at Shea tonight and tomorrow night. We need to prepare. Follow the below steps for the maximum focus for both games.. I am thinking the Mets need to take both before going to Wrigley.
1. Game 1 – plenty of good college football games today to distract you.. I say ignore them.. You don’t need football on your mind today.
2. Go outside, get some air, wearing as much Mets paraphernalia as you can, including ear muffs and jock strap.
3. Get plenty of bacon, horseradish, pork products and lettuce. Or you can simplify and get a pull pork roasted turkey sub on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, pickles, sweet peppers, mustard, banana peppers, chili, chicken, roast beef, cabbage, sauerkraut and mayonnaise. But hold off on broccoli, you want to watch your calories before the game.
4. Hold on, after reading #3 I need to go make a sandwich, I will be right back.
5. Beverages are always a discretionary item.. If you want to keep alcohol out of it that is your call.
My only advice here is to not change things up at such a late date. If your typical game day beverage is Mai Tai’s with banana peels and a prime rib chaser, stick with it.
6. An hour before first pitch, loosen up. Don’t overstretch as nothing with distract your focus more than a pulled hamstring. If you don’t want to risk it, have a ham sandwich instead.

I think it best that this time we just focus on Game 1, and deal with Game 2 tomorrow. You will have other NFL games to contend with throughout the day, but let’s see what shakes out tonight before Game 2 battle plans are drawn up. I am already scheming ideas here for a Sunday leading up to the game, but leave the details to me. If you can get a small horse ahead of time, that will help.

Good luck tonight, and let’s get after those damn Cubbies…..

game 1

Editor’s note :  I am aware Bill Buckner has nothing to do with the Cubs…just making sure you are paying attention…  FOCUS !!

You really did not think it was going to be easy ?

It is October, and with falling leaves comes fall baseball.  And with fall baseball comes broken legs,  flying beer cans,  fans beaten up in parking lots and general merriment illegal in 47 states.  You never know what will happen next.   And that is what we love about baseball,  life in general, and court cases involving a chicken and some pissed off clowns..

So it will come down to one game in enemy territory,  as you knew it would have to .. These are the games you will remember for the rest of your life,  like the birth of a child, a wedding, or a really good turkey sub with cheese and bacon.   You never know what can happen, as has been proven over and over this week..

A ground ball leads to a broken leg,  a throw back from a catcher leads to beer cans thrown from high levels, a trip to the grocery store ends up with you in a Mexican prison remembering only that you bought a monkey named Mitch and may have married a horse.

So what can we expect tomorrow night in the deciding innings ?   You can cut the drama with a butter knife.   (Trying to picture how to actually do that has always baffled me) .

Now is the time to summon all focus on the Mets.  For the next 30 hours you must forget the New York Football Giants even exist.  As difficult as that is,  anytime they pop into your head,  my advice is that you stab yourself with a fork..  That may be a bit extreme, but it will be effective .   You may never watch football again and may have excruciating pain well into the holidays,  but that is a small price to pay for a Mets Game 5 win and a date with the Cubs in the NLCS.

If only they could eliminate the American League and make the Mets vs Cubs the World Series.   What a wonderful world it would be, other than the flying beer cans coming from Canada.
take me out

The Mets Chronicles, Part 3

Things just got interesting.  While in the middle of a close baseball game,  a football game broke out that changed the outcome of the game,  and broke someone’s leg.    This was a play that will be talked about as long as there are humans with voices and a DVR.    Depending on where your loyalties lie,  today you may be outraged,  ecstatic,  befuddled, confused,  elated,  emancipated or even nauseous.   No matter where you stand on it,  and you may not even stand on it at all,  no one saw this coming.   And isn’t that why we love sports ?    Rather than write about it,  the following popped into that disturbed brain of mine,  and I had to let it out here

Sing along to the tune of a popular wedding dance.

You gotta know it
It’s a leg break
Boogie woogie, woogie!
Now you can’t deny it
It’s a leg break
Boogie woogie, woogie!
But you know it’s on every replay,
Yeah here there everywhere

I’ve got to move,
I’m going on a plane ride
I’ve got to Go East, Go East, Go East,
Where Chase Utley will get crucified.

Some say it’s a good play
That’s bullshit
Boogie woogie, woogie
You called him safe
Also bullshit
Boogie woogie, woogie
Everytime I watch it
It’s still a leg break
Boogie woogie, woogie
Jiggle-a-mesa-cara Utley’s a moving like a linebacker
He’s movin’ nowhere near the base
He sure got the boogie

Don’t wanna lose this way
It’s the playoffs
Boogie woogie, woogie
But you can’t challenge it
On to Game 3
Boogie woogie, woogie
Now you know more are going to watch,
Yeah here there everywhere

I’ve got to move,
Come let me take you on a replay ride
And I’ll teach you, teach you, teach you
That play was not a slide


Ok,  I have reviewed both photos for the past 3 hours..   And every time,  NOPE,  not a slide.
My advice to you now as we have an off day and the Giants game tonight, is that you need to shift focus into football mode tonight, and keep in there for Game 3 tomorrow night.   That place is going to be a rocking,  and if you do not bring your shoulder pads you better not come a knocking..

Things just got interesting.

The Mets Chronicles – Part 2

Ok.   the win in LA last night shall be called mission accomplished.  Now that it is completed,  shall we rest on our laurels (mom pun intended)  of stealing the opening game or go for the jugular ? Before we broach that topic, let’s go back to stealing game 1 on the road.  Why does it always have to be stealing ?

If you outscore the other team it is a win and should hereby never be called stealing one on the road. Unless they stole some stuff from the Dodgers dugout or took the leftovers from the post game meal back their hotel..  But where were we ?  Yes, Game 2.  Should we be happy with the split now in LA and keep our focus ahead to the Sunday night game with the 49ers,  or do we throw caution to the wind and say just win 2 baby ?    For this I must consult my personal spiritual surfer Guru Bodhi…

Do you think Bodhi would be happy just surfing in LA with one win, and give away Game 2 ?  Nay, Sir Bodhi was always looking ahead to Fell’s Point Australia,

to capture the greatest of waves in the greatest of times. He even did it with Johnny Utah Special Secret FBI agent nipping at his heels !

This is what I believe he would say to the Mets tonight in a pre-game talk :  This was never about money for us.. It was about us against the Dodgers.
Look at it! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, man! Let me go out there and let me get one baseball game, just one game before you take me in. I mean, come on man, where I am I gonna go? Fans on both sides! I’m not gonna paddle my way to New Zealand! Come on, compadre. Come on!

Bodhi would go for the throat in Game #2.  He would make the Dodger’s his bitch,  run over them like the dirty Dodger dogs they are, the stinking vermin  that they……… OK, I think I went too far there.

Now you may need to channel some of your Giants focus tomorrow night to get this win tonight, but what the heck,  it is not like they are facing Joe Montana.

So they win 21-20 against Colin Kapernicus ?   I’d say that a win is a win,  even if they do not cover the spread….

So my advice to you is to Syndergaard your way to a 2-0 lead back to Shea,  where Matt Harvey shall lead the way.. At least for 3 innings anyway.

One final point… Separated at birth?  You decide…   DeGrom sure did pitch Fine !!!!   (see what I did there??)


Scheduling for a friend…..

My good friend Howie was in a bit of a pickle, being one of only 12 people in the NYC area that roots for not only the Giants but the playoff bound Mets.  The below was my advice to him.. For some of you non sports fans, this may read is if the parents are speaking in a Charlie Brown cartoon,  such as wah wah, waah wah waaaah !!   Bear with me on this one…  I offer up any scheduling advice to the rest of you as well, including how to chew gum, walk a dog,  and do complex math calculations in Spanish all at the same time..


Howie,  I am writing this piece to you on the Eve of a huge sports weekend for you.. I know you have been under much stress as to where to place your focus

since the NFL season has begun.  You may even feel responsible for the Giants current 2-2 record feeling that if you had ALL of your focus on them they would have put away Dallas and Atlanta and be sitting in the cat bird seat at 4-0 right now.   Unfortunately this year a nice surprise named the Mets has arrived to cause the split focus.
It is a blessing and a curse.   Well, Tommy the Swami,  the Master of the Postseason is here to tell you to rest easy my friend,  as the scheduling gods have arrived to help you.
Let me digress a bit..  As you know this time of year is on my Mount Rushmore of sports events.. Baseball Playoffs and Football at the same time.   What are the other 3 ?
The first 4 days of March Madness,   The Super Bowl unless Bruno Mars is performing,  and the latest,  the Final 4 of College football on or around New Years.
But back to your split focus conundrum.  Let’s break this down into the minutia that only I can deliver.   Go grab a hoagie first if you’d like. I can wait.
Ok, MLB divisional playoffs start today, and I love the day games.   Talk about split focus between work and TV.   Tomorrow is the quadruple header, and you get to watch all other games leading to the night cap of Game 1 versus the Dodgers.   Yes, you have Kershaw and Greinke to face, but Kershaw has proven beatable in the post season before. Your goal here is one win in LA, just one.   Then here comes the scheduling beauty.   Sunday is the NL travel day and your Giants get the Sunday night game to themselves on NBC.
In the words of Kenny Banya,  “That’s Gold Jerry, GOLD ! ”   So relax, take the Mets night off and enjoy thumping the hapless 49ers , hopefully in person.    When the Giants win, I will give you 2 hours to celebrate, then it is right back over to the Mets on Monday for another quadruple header on the docket.  Game time has not been announced as of now but you may need to turn your focus around quickly if this is a day game.   This could be your toughest assignment in this pilgrimage.   With Game 3 comes Matt Harvey pitching,  latest report says he gets to pitch only the 1st, 4th, 6th, and 8th innings, provided he wears a catcher’s mask.   I like the Mets in both Games 3 and 4 and then we are off to the NLCS !!
This is where the deity of programming smiles on you again.  The NLCS is set to open on Saturday, Oct 17,   with game #2 on Sunday.  I am smelling a Cubs upset of St Louis  which would put the Mets at home for the first 2 at Shea.   (I refuse to call stadiums by corporation names)     Wait,  what is that I see on the NFL schedule ?   The Giants have a MONDAY night game at the Stinking Eagles ?   A travel day for the NLCS.   Yes, Virginia, there is a scheduling Santa Claus, and he doth come early this year for you..
Not only do the Giants play on a Mets off day, but they get the doe eyed Sam Bradford who will no doubt hand the Giants at least 21 points.  This puts the Giants at 4-2 and the Mets off to Chicago.  Those games will be played Tues/Wed/Thursday so once again you will get a 2 hour window to enjoy the Giants win on Monday night, but need to be prepared that short rest may be required if Game 3 of the NLCS is an afternoon game..  I suggest several hoagies with potato salad.
Now things get dicey.  Games 6 and 7 of the NLCS are slated for the weekend of Sat/Sun Oct 24/25.   The Giants have a 4 pm game at home vs Dallas that I know you would want to attend in person.. Game 7 of the NLCS at New York would be Sunday night at 8 pm.    That may be too much to ask of any man..  It literally gives you no time to shift your focus.    I highly recommend the Mets dispose of the Cubs by Game 6.   Then all pressure is off,  the Giants hose the Cowboys,  sitting at 5-2 while the Mets go the Freaking World Series !!!!
From there you are playing with house money.  The WS opens on Tuesday at the AL City,  Game 2 on Wed.   . Thursday is travel and Game 3 and 4 would be in NY on Friday and Saturday.  Put the Giants aside and enjoy the ride.   Then comes the final obstacle.  Sunday, November 1st.   Game 5 of the World Series, in NY ,  the same day the Giants play in New Orleans at 1 pm.   But you can pull this one off.   The Saints suck,  the Giants go to 6-2 and is it too much to ask for a WS Title in Game 5 on the same day ??
Harvey pitches 2 scoreless innings before they pull him for Jerry Koosman.    You could celebrate both victories with an Open faced Turkey sandwich on Rye with 2 hookers…
Well there you have it..  The pressure is off.  In the end,  you have a World Series champion,  the Giants at 6-2 at the halfway mark and you probably also have a social disease.  You have one day to rest up before all of this starts.  I suggest an immediate nap followed by 30-40 reps of Pastrami…
Good luck ,  we are all counting you.
PS – None of the above is meant for betting purposes.  Entertainment only, and always wear a condom..