School started Monday in the South….

I know that news is nothing compared to the rioting that occurred somewhere on the planet today,  or that the 12th layer of the ozone melted without anyone noticing,  but the first day of school around here is a big deal, especially when it comes to my daughter returning to her beloved Math class.  She has offered a limb never to take another Math class, but the state school board rejected that offer as that quota was reached back in 1987.    I however was quite the Math whiz in my elementary days and have written the following new Math problems below to modernize what is truly an outdated subject.    Take the quiz and see how you do.. If you get all 5 questions right, there promises to be a new wing built for you in your local hospital’s psychiatric wing.   Questions are in order of increased difficulty,  so sharpen your pencils, and get to it.

  1.  Johnny has 2 marbles to play with. His best friend Jordy gives him 2 more marbles.  How long is it until lunch time ?
  2.  There is a 75% chance that Johnson has a major social disease.  His neighbor Rocko has a 50% chance of that same disease, with some added rectal discomfort.  State the probability that they picked it up at the same State Fair..
  3. Jane has 7 miles to walk.  She walks at 5 miles an hour.  George has 6 miles to walk. He walks at 4 miles an hour.  Nelson says fuck you both I am driving a block to the store. If they all leave at the same time, which one scores the most crack ?
  4. A plane leaves Chicago headed for Dallas.  At the same time another plan leaves for Atlanta heading for Boston.  Calculate the number of times a passenger says aloud “You mean I have to pay for the fucking snacks now?”   Extra Credit :  Prove the theory that length of flight is directly proportionate to the number of passengers with extreme body odor that sit next to me on said flight.
  5.  (This is extremely difficult so follow closely.  Might I suggest sniffing glue first. It involves fractions and a lawsuit)    Tony has 1/4 of his memory left after partying in college.  He learned 1,255 different things during that time, ranging from Economics in third world brothels to Rug cleaning in the Himalayas.  If we take 1/2 of his remaining memory and transplant it into a Monkey, would the lawsuit from Tony’s family be over or under the Gross National Product of Luxembourg, or will they just see it as an improvement ?

Take your time with the quiz, answers will be posted before the weekend, or until I can decide what they are… And remember,  all answers will be kept confidential,  unless someone asks me for them…

Coming soon to a bookstore near you…

Well not really as no one ever goes in those things anymore unless buying coffee or scoring crack,  but you get the idea.  Working on a period piece I’d like to call my childhood,  focusing mainly on the funhouse I like to call Catholic school..  Still working on a title for this expose of guilt and genuflecting.   A few that come to mind are  :

Purgatory comes early on the Prairie

Jesus loves me more in a shirt and tie

Can I trade these 12 years for a simple fork in the eye ?

Damn that Recess was fast…  back to Phonics….

As you can see,  still a work in progress,  but the blueprint is there before me.. Small town, big Church, angry nuns, drunk priests, bewildered kids who would give up a kidney if only it were Saturday.

This is going to be a lot of fun and should be taken in that light, and if you don’t, well then Lord have mercy on you…  I leave with an image on my first day in 1st grade…


The Summer of Sharks and Flags

We approach our first year of living on the island and are 3 weeks from the end of our first full summer here.  Two main topics stand out as we inch toward fall :  Don’t swim in the waves and don’t tell me what I can wave or not wave.

The Sharks have always been there, much longer than we have.  I think the bigger story would be if the sharks disappeared and left us alone.  We certainly cannot taste good to them and our nutritional value based on what we are putting inside ourselves for decades has to be the equivalent of “fast food” for a hungry shark.  Then again,  based on our speed versus anything else in the water,  “slow food” may be a better description.  I continue to swim in their waters, albeit with both eyes open and a ton of respect.  I can always defend myself with my Iphone strapped to my ankle.

On to the other wave.  It seems the latest decoration on the back of most trucks is to fly multiple flags of territorial distinction.   You have have read the story of the symbol of the south being under some restriction in this region.  We all know how humans don’t like to be told en masse what they can or cannot do..  I think it is important that everyone has the chance to let everyone else know how much they are proud of their region,  or their country, or their football team, or their gun club, or their deity, or their boy scout troupe,  or honor student status of their son, daughter or second cousin. I do not own a truck,  but if I did I would have so many flags flying off the back of that thing that you would only be able to see my monster tires.  What sets us apart from the sharks in the ocean is the ability to separate ourselves from everybody else. We are proud, we are the best, and if you don’t like it, we will kick your ass…..

The more I think of it,, I think I will go back in the water.   I like my chances there better….(Cue the John Williams shark music,  and Happy 40th anniversary to my favorite movie of all time)

P.S – Another Happy 1st Anniversary to the gang of four who followed me here.  You know who you are.  You have helped me realize a childhood dream of living on the water in this magical place…  Ok,  NOW I am going in the water, after I wash all of my flags….