The 4th of July is right around the corner. To get us all in the mood for the raucous holiday, I give you Part 1 of : The Christmas Card. Enjoy during this holiday week as you blow shit up..
The other day I received a Christmas card. Forget the fact that it was June and forget the fact that I thought he was dead. I got a Christmas card. Someone thought enough of me to ignore me for years and then randomly send me a warm holiday greeting right as summer hit. I thought the mail might have been slow but the postmark was last week. This was quite the mystery. Everyone likes to get a surprise now and then from old friends, especially the dead ones. The biggest mistake I made was opening it.
Ends up this bastard typed out a ten page dissertation on his accomplishments over the past year and then mass mailed it to every human being he ever met. You ever get one of these? A year in review I call it, complete with pictures, maps, flow charts, venn diagrams, blueprints and schematics that could either cure cancer or obliterate the world. You want to take it and throw it into the trash, but you just can’t, can you? I will spare you the part of where he found a new species of giraffe in Newfoundland, but here are the highlights of the year in the life of someone we all one day hope to become.
– Swam with the whales in January. They adopted me as one of their own when I gave them free dental work.
– In February I saved a church from extinction in Guatemala. Was given a get out of hell free card in return. It is very freeing to know I can sin at will and get away with it.
– Come March I danced with a troupe of Eskimos in Peru. Don’t ask me how they got there.
– April time brought the running of the bulls. It wasn’t in Spain, some jackass let them out of their pen in Texas. No one was trampled but you could not tell from the screaming.
– May is one fine month, so I decided to invent a new word. From now on being late to something is called Smukrah. As in, “so sorry for being smukrah, I was busy herding donkeys”. Watch it catch on…
– I decided to take it easy in June and built a village in Norway for wayward geese. They have not flown anywhere since. I believe their motto is now “fuck flying we like it here”.
I will spare you the other 6 months but I can tell you it was filled with a lot of “rescued this and cured that”. By the time I was finished reading I did not know whether to propose to him or kill him. If you have ever gotten such a card it will certainly make you take stock in your own year in review, and realize that you have thrown another one right in the garbage. But wait a second, can it be that bad ? Yes, I may not have saved a society or created a new way to eat cheese, but certainly I must have done SOMETHING to brag to others. What did I do ? What did I do ?
COMING UP in PART 2……….