The Christmas Card – Part 1

The 4th of July is right around the corner.  To get us all in the mood for the raucous holiday,  I give you Part 1 of :  The Christmas Card.   Enjoy during this holiday week as you blow shit up..

The other day I received a Christmas card. Forget the fact that it was June and forget the fact that I thought he was dead.  I got a Christmas card. Someone thought enough of me to ignore me for years and then randomly send me a warm holiday greeting right as summer hit.  I thought the mail might have been slow but the postmark was last week. This was quite the mystery.   Everyone likes to get a surprise now and then from old friends, especially the dead ones. The biggest mistake I made was opening it.

Ends up this bastard typed out a ten page dissertation on his accomplishments over the past year and then mass mailed it to every human being he ever met.  You ever get one of these?  A year in review I call it, complete with pictures, maps, flow charts, venn diagrams, blueprints and schematics that could either cure cancer or obliterate the world.  You want to take it and throw it into the trash, but you just can’t, can you?  I will spare you the part of where he found a new species of giraffe in Newfoundland, but here are the highlights of the year in the life of someone we all one day hope to become.

– Swam with the whales in January. They adopted me as one of their own when I gave them free dental work.

–  In February I saved a church from extinction in Guatemala.  Was given a get out of hell free card in return.  It is very freeing to know I can sin at will and get away with it.

–  Come March I danced with a troupe of Eskimos in Peru.  Don’t ask me how they got there.

–   April time brought the running of the bulls. It wasn’t in Spain, some jackass let them out of their pen in Texas. No one was trampled but you could not tell from the screaming.

–    May is one fine month, so I decided to invent a new word. From now on being late to something is called Smukrah.  As in,  “so sorry for being smukrah, I was busy herding donkeys”.  Watch it catch on…

–     I decided to take it easy in June and built a village in Norway for wayward geese.  They have not flown anywhere since.   I believe their motto is now “fuck flying we like it here”.

I will spare you the other 6 months but I can tell you it was filled with a lot of “rescued this and cured that”.  By the time I was finished reading I did not know whether to propose to him or kill him.  If you have ever gotten such a card it will certainly make you take stock in your own year in review, and realize that you have thrown another one right in the garbage.  But wait a second, can it be that bad ? Yes, I may not have saved a society or created a new way to eat cheese, but certainly I must have done SOMETHING to brag to others.  What did I do ?  What did I do ?

COMING UP in PART 2……….

 

The Newest Math – does it add up ?

While the Christmas Card is being worked on,  let’s ease on down another road of equal importance.  Math.  You hate it or you love it.  When I a kid in Catholic school I breezed through my multiplication tables only to find out they were coming out with New Math.  Remember that?   It was no longer enough to know that 5 lemons and 3 limes added up to no scurvy, I now had to know the inverse proportion of each lemon perpendicular to the stratosphere of each lime.  At first I blamed Satan, as we were taught to blame for all bad things.   Then I realized that Math was just moving along with the times, getting with it in the hip 1970’s.    Well here we are in 2015 and I have had to revisit the fun world of mathematics with my daughter’s Algebra class.   All I can say is where the fuck was Google when we needed it in the 1970’s.   It was nice to see I remembered nothing, and could internet search my way into the correct answers.  The circumference of my brain was growing exponentially..  I decided there had to be an even newer Math,  so coming soon,  I give you the newest Math, written for kids dealing with real math problems in the twenty fifteens.  Here’s a snippet :

Billy went to the store to buy 2 gallons of milk.  His Mom gave him $10 to pay for said gallons. If each gallon of milk costs $3,  should he fore-go the milk and continue to save up for the rocket launcher that will take out half of the neighborhood ?

Troubling Math indeed, but you must admit,  it is new.   This story will be complete once I solve for X,  find the slope of an isosceles rhombus, and the hypotenuse of my trapezoid. I lost both of them in a different pair of pants.  For now, I leave you with these 2 math problems..  If you can figure them out,  you are smarter than me.

blackboardblackboard2

The Stars Align

Every 6 or 7 years Father’s Day happens to align with Angel’s birthday.  Today is one of those days.   Things align in all of our lives without our control,  both good and bad.   I am grateful that those stars aligned and allowed me to meet you.   You have changed my life in ways that I cannot begin to express in the written or spoken word.   We have shared quite an adventure together,  one that has now led us to this amazing island.  Today is your birthday, and I love that we get to share it and Father’s Day together.

To Rachele, thank you for letting me be your Dad.  You and your Mom were the best decision I have ever made. I only hope I have lived up to that title for you.  Keep that sarcasm! It is my gift to you..

To Anna,  me and your Mom have certainly created the best of both of us in you..  I know I can be an asshole sometimes (your own words),  keep being you as you make me laugh more than anyone..  Now stop recording me and putting me all over the Internet.

To Angel,  words are tough to express what you mean to me on your birthday.  I will steal some words from Queen,  the song we heard right after we got engaged at the beach  :

You’re the best friend
That I ever had
I’ve been with you such a long time
You’re my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You’re my best friend

Happy Birthday Angel…  You are the angel that saved me….

Bioluminescence from glowing plankton in sea tide line on beach, with stars above and ship lights on horizon, Vaadhoo Island, Raa Atoll, Maldives, Indian Ocean, October 2010

 

 

Coming Soon : The Christmas Card

Ever get that annoying Christmas Card in the mail from a long lost friend where you get to read about their Year in review ?  They built a Church and saved a village in Kazakhstan while the highlight of your year was spackling your front lawn.

If this has ever happened to you, you will enjoy The Christmas Card.  Coming soon to a website near you.   (It will actually come to this website so you don’t have to look for it )

uglychristmassweaterguy

Working for a Living ?

Ok, been living on the island for almost a year now, and the questions keep coming: What do you do for a living? Are you retired or with the Coast Guard? I had no idea those were my only 2 options, and anyone who has known me for more than 30 seconds will tell you that my name mentioned in a sentence with any branch of the military is as good an idea as using that word in the same sentence with intelligence.
Rather than be annoyed, I have decided to have some fun with it. I came up with about 700 careers that I plan on using over the next few decades, here are a few of my favorites. Sure, some may be insulting at parties, but if you remember, I am still one fast mother on my feet when I have to be…

I discovered a cure for boredom. Unfortunately it only works when I am done talking to you.

I invented sand. The ocean used to roll up to concrete, and nobody went to the beach. Yes, you can thank me as you enjoy your vacation.

I did not invent water, but I am responsible for the 2 in H20. It made water taste a hell of a lot better and you don’t want to know what H7O was like.

My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather wrote a book in the Bible. His name was Larry Leviticus. He lived next door to Dexter Deuteronomy. We get royalties for every hotel room.

I inherited the family business. We invented food. You may have seen some in grocery stores.

I am a lion tamer in the circus. I get paid huge sums of money to be flown around the world, tame the lion, and then fly back. I must leave in 12 minutes so I can no longer speak with you.

I created a sub electronic cathenater to put into vehicles that will help with gas mileage and the air conditioning. It works by fusing the lower ractigon with the engine block to propel the ductiphone into the wheel vectors. (If they are still listening that this point, I tell them it works for 5,000 miles and then the car explodes. By then I am a rich man and living in Tahiti)

My family created the indoors. It started with a Denny’s restaurant. We felt people needed a place to eat late night.

My passion in life it to discover a new species each week. Last week I found a new species in Aisle 7 of the Food Lion. If you saw how it was eating you would not argue with me. I only have about ten minutes left this week, and brother, you ain’t it…

I just started a new job inspecting all the elevators on the island. I have to make sure each elevator has all the number buttons. It is hours of hard work but I find it extremely fulfilling. It helps to be able to count to 3. I was recently promoted to manager of the 4th floor elevator of a major hotel.

That’s all for today. Always keep people guessing. If getting to know you involves people wanting to know how you “fit” into the system, let them think you are in on a secret no one told them about. More than likely they will leave you alone, or at least avoid you at the post office.

We need more Pomp for these Circumstances

Tis the season for graduations. I love a good celebration but when I see a moon bounce announcing well wishes to Johnny for passing 3rd grade Phonics we might be overdoing it just a tad. As usual the signs are my favorite. On the side of a truck I saw a greeting referencing that someone may fall flat on their face but at least they were moving forward. I am sure the parents meant well but perhaps their expectations could use a little refresh. Then again, if you are going to aim low, may as well do it with gusto:
Way to go Johnny, prison is right around the corner!
Congrats Sally! We were all betting on you. Except Uncle Skeeter, you cost him 50 bucks.
Well done Nelson! You kicked serious Kindergarten ass. Make 1st Grade your bitch!
Our Willie has mastered Pre-K! Honk if you give a shit.
Kudos to cousin Wilmont. A PHD in nuclear destruction! I’d say this calls for dropping acid.
My brother Heathrow just made it through clown college! Next up is getting his masters in being a dickhead!
We is prowd uv r rockit signtist und grate speller Max! Giv um hell in space!
Outstanding job on your graduation Keifer. We are so proud of you! Now get the fuck out of the house.

That’s it for now. To all graduates, get out there, take a huge bite out of life, and be sure to spit out the bullshit… And I wonder why no one has ever asked me to speak at a graduation….

This won’t take long, will it ?

Story in an hour. – I am writing this story in an hour. No more and no less. It is written for my teenage daughter as that is the highest amount of time she would take on it, and that might be a bit too high.
It will have a beginning, but may have no end. Not everything in life has an ending you know.

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I only have an hour for this. It is now 4:33 pm and at 5:33 pm I must be completed. For if I type any longer than that my daughter will lose interest, get annoyed and have to go back to playing video games or texting 785 different friends, some of who she has actually met. This is the story of a teenager named Billy. He has a short attention span, a brother that he wishes he could kill legally and a group of parents that annoy him to the point of wanting to become a monk in Tibet. Bill has no idea where Tibet is or what a monk does but he is certain that none of them have parents, so that is good. His Dad is a colossal prick who knows everything and everyone and never stops telling Billy that someday that could be him. That sounds as exciting as sitting in church on a Sunday. Bill tried selling his Dad on the black market to a band of traveling Gypsies. They were interested at first until they met him. The Gypsies are now looking into the monk idea as well. Tibet may be a full country by the end of this story. Billy’s Mom is ok if she would just stop asking if he was ok. She seems to be worried about him to the point of developing an ulcer. Billy heard that stalking was illegal unless it involved a parental unit. He thought that the laws needed to be changed in this area before he turned 18.
Billy hates to be called Billy so now he will be Bill. Not William, as that is his Dad’s name and if you call him Junior he could poke out your eye with a stick. Bill is a bit of an extremist. No, that does not mean he is a terrorist, but most things that come out of his mouth are of the extreme variety. That was the best fucking sandwich ever, or I am starving or freezing or hot as shit or that person is annoying enough to puke on. He has wanted to shit on several of his teachers in the middle of class. Can you see now where I am going with this? There is no middle ground. Up is way the fuck up, Down is somewhere near hell. Left is so far left that you could not see right with a telescope. Catch him on a good day and the world is a pretty awesome planet filled with most excellent food and people that I would not be violent to, but catch him on a bad day and Earth is a suck ass planet filled with douche canoes and lame ass donkey dicks.
Let us pause for a moment at 4:48 pm to tell you that this story is brought to you by Stank deodorant. When you smell like a monkey, use this shit.
Back to the story. Bill has a smaller brother he nicknames Punkstable. He cares for him deeply but only when he is not around. When he is around he follows Bill like a shadow in a horror movie, mimicking his mannerisms and the like (translation: He do the shit Bill do). Bill does not take kindly to this and rather than dealing with fledgling brother in a reasonable way, attempts to throw him out with the trash each Thursday. Some days on good leftover day his little tyke brother is agreeable to this. Bill knows this is wrong of him to do but the joy he gets out of the attempt far exceeds the danger of attempted murder.
Bill has some friends as well. Some are virtual, some are made up, and some are real. The real ones are quite the prankish gang and they call each other by such pet names as Fudgerumpy and Idiotoby. (a witty mix of Idiot and Lobotomy). They last said kind words to each other shortly after birth. The English language is not their strong suit. Let’s listen in on one of their more intellectual conversations:

Bill: What up fruitcake. (Bill hates quotes around talking and so we will not use them)
Fudge: Eat dick Billabong.
Idiot: Lez go get summthin to ete before me starve to def.
Bill: Excellent idea you dumb ass mother….
Fudge: Well put Bill you anal wipe.
And off they went to dine in some fine establishment, to the horror of any listening patrons.

By now you must think that Bill is one rotten rascal that deserves a good beating or at least jail time. But there are some redeeming qualities to this fine lad. He has a dog named Ratgut that he cherishes more than anything other than his video games. He volunteered once at a nursing home, stayed 5 minutes and then joined the boy scouts. He was kicked out of that fine troop is less than an hour, and moved on to altar boy status the following weekend. That was taking up too much of his Sundays so he pursued a life in the circus cleaning out the animal cages. It stunk to high heaven but at least there he did not have to talk to anyone.
Our story takes us to the holiday season as Bill and the family get together to enjoy Thanksgiving. Bill’s Uncle Rasputin shows up several hours early, bringing his own contribution of mashed potatoes and heavy drugs. Bill’s Aunt Florence makes an appearance, but she is dressed as a goat as she has not quite mastered which species she is supposed to represent. Next up is Bill’s cousin Mortimer, a fine lad who believes that every other person is an alien that he must kill. He is quite the nice fellow if you fall on the side of him thinking you are not from the Planet Nebularky. Bill’s Dad shows up and points out to all the importance of the holiday dating back to the 1st meal, sounding like he was actually fucking there. Bill does all he can not to poke out his eye with a fork. At that point Mom comes in to check and make sure everyone is doing ok, especially Bill. She looks worried to the point of losing all of her hair. And where is Bill’s beloved little brother? Under the table hiding in a trap door he invented when he was 2. Once the turkey is completed he has a flight scheduled for Bali where he will drop this family like a lead balloon.
Good times for this family as they share a blessed meal and well-meaning conversation. This lasts for about 30 seconds as all lose their appetites when Bill’s Dad says grace for over an hour. It may be one thing to bless the food, but it is much more important to eat it when it is still fucking warm.
Only 13 minutes remain in this magical tale of lore and enchantment, so let’s wrap things up while we still have time. Bill does indeed leave the family unit, going to Tibet as promised but is put on a waiting list to join the monks. It seems that several hundred thousand other teenagers had the same idea, and the monks only let in 12 per year. Doing the math on that comes to an awfully long fucking time, but they all pass the time happily playing Grand Theft Auto 36, the blood and guts version, whilst drinking the latest energy drink called Sleep when I Die. It has only 7 calories but guarantees you will stay alert well into your 60’s.
One always hopes for a happy ending in stories such as these. A feel good wrap up that makes you toasty inside and puts you to sleep with a smile on your face in your comfy little blankey.
This tale shall not end in such a way. With the 6 minutes I have left, I do have to tell you where Bill ended up. He waited on the monk’s list for about a day, as that was his patience level. He moved on to Madagascar where he was not heard of again for several years. I’d like to think he went looking for his little brother, the Fiji bound little bastard. But no matter where Bill went, he was sure to be found by his loving parents, the all-knowing, all finding stink fish Dad and his ever worrisome eye brow plucking Mom.
God speed young Bill who is no longer so young, wherever you have gone, DAMMIT I ran out of time…..