Where are my kids ?

                                  Where the hell are my kids? – A Short Story

 If you have the attention span, join me in a journey as we explore the many options our families have to never see each other again.                                                                      Remember the good old days of a sit down face to face conversation? When the phone rang and you picked it up without knowing who it was? A holiday spent with family and friends with nothing but laughter and mild sobriety? Or a three hour game of Monopoly without 47 texts, e-mails, tweets, and updated statuses ? (I have to update my FB friends – I just got fucking Boardwalk ! )

 You will be interested in this story if this has ever happened to you :

 – You found out your daughter was engaged on Facebook 5 years ago, and just met her prick fiance yesterday.

 – You found out your uncle was in prison on Twitter. And the tweet came to you from his cell mate.

 –  There is a Youtube video of your brother getting run over by the bulls in Spain. If that was not bad enough it is already being used in the latest Justin Bieber video.

 – You son’s Pinterests include devil worship and salt water taffy. And you thought he was an altar boy.

 –  Your complete medical history of anal fissures has been stolen and posted for all to see on Tumblr.

 If any of the above has never happened to you, trust me, it will ! Follow me in my short story as I try to circumnavigate the blink of an eye fast paced world of 2013 in the attempt to see and converse with my 22 and 13 year old daughters.. Can a man born in 1964 keep up with the technology to see his children in time for his 50th birthday?

 Stay tuned as the most important short story of our time is told.. Be sure to pass along the news on Facebook or Twitter or texting or e-mail or Tumblr or Reddit or Skype or get that Iphone out of my face !!!


 We begin our story with that regrettable moment that many parents have had, the introduction of the cell phone. We start out with a strong “NO”, only to have our kids wear us down like an old prize fighter, constant chants of “PLEASE” until finally, inevitably, we say “YES”. This is the moment we begin to say good bye to them.

 But let’s back track first. Back to our days as children, the glorious 60’s and 70’s, when the furthest you got with a phone depended on how far the cord would go..I give you . Exhibit A

 The best chance we had at getting away was getting on our bikes, but after an hour of that we grew hungry and tired and had to struggle just to get back home.. You think we were hitting the trail in one of these things ?

exhibit B

  Nope, Mom and Dad knew where we were at every moment. You wanted to send your friends a message ? Better use one of these and then wait a week. Exhibit C

You want to watch YouTube ? Here you go, but you better not sit down if you want to change the channel. See that knob on the top right ? 12 channels baby ! Exhibit D

And sometimes, just sometimes, there was a show on each one of them !!

 Enough of memory lane, showing any of this to kids today would impress them as much as the discovery of the following :

Exhibit E

  So back we come to 2013, and the dilemma that is now before me. I am 9 months away from turning 50, and I cannot find my kids ! I know they are out there as Facebook tells me so. My 22 year old is off on her own with her new fiance, or so I have been texted. Visual evidence below:  Exhibit F

My 13 year old does live under my roof, as can be proven in the following :

 Exhibit G

 My mission, to seek the clues that are out there in this wonderful world of technology so that I may see and even have a conversation with my daughters before I am dead or I turn 50, whatever comes last.

 I understand that sifting through the tons of data in all of the social media could make things rather easy to piece together, but if there is one thing I have learned in this fast paced world, as you soon as you have the news, it is as they say, “so five minutes ago”. Whatever happened to my children of old, when did they become so slick in this field to evade me for years? Let’s go to the videotape !

 It began in the toddler stages when the decision between toys and laptops was made. As you can see it was a fairly easier one to make.

exhibit I

Play dates were now arranged through Microsoft Outlook e-mails between 4 year olds. I never thought I would become a chauffeur so early in my daughter’s life. And that was for the one born in the late 80’s. As for the one born in 2000, this picture says it all.

 exhibit h

 She was getting more voice mails from the womb than I was getting in my 30’s. I found some old texts from inside the birth canal :

 “Man it is freaking hot in here, can I get some take out ?”

 “You think I would get better reception in a uterus? Get me a phone with more bars!”

 “Let me know when my minutes reset, I got nothing else to do in here!”

 And you wonder why she has been ordering us around ever since she came out? I look at most of the games I used to play outside when I was a kid. Most of them you can play online now. I heard there is a virtual game of hide and seek with GPS tracking devices on the phones. The only difference is that when you get found it is usually by the FBI and it comes with a prison sentence.

 Without going into numerous details of my children’s rapid growth to the speed of our age, you get the point I am trying to make. They have sailed past me and have disappeared into the abyss of technology. Now I have to find them before it is too late. Retrace your steps when you have lost something, that is what they always tell you , and that is what I aim to do here.

 I think it may have started with MySpace. It was the first case of having their own place and telling me to get out of their face. A good home base to start at a slow pace and gave them a taste of how to put time to waste.

 It was also the beginning of an online environment that was uncool for me to be around. I had heard that this happens with teenagers and their parents in the real world, but it also seemed to apply their virtual “Space” as well. The disappearing act was underway.

With MySpace came the Ipod and that is when our kids stopped hearing us. What did we do before headphones were invented ? Exhibit J

This was the invention to take away one of their senses for at least their waking hours.

 This was our past Exhibit k

 And this is our future Exhibit L

  Once this valuable form of communication was gone, it was only fitting that Facebook would come along to take care of the rest. What began as a cool way to stalk people we had not seen for years turned into an obsession on tracking each waking momentous status change ranging from where we ate our meals to what our favorite unhealthy attachment was.

 From there the spinoffs were bound to occur as every waking status became Twitter’s every waking thought, to every waking Pinterest, you get the idea. Which leads me to where my kids have gone !!

 I am not here to slam on the various distractions made available to us. In fact, I would like to use them to help me find where they have gone !

 Hold on a second.. I have just received a tweet about a text of an updated status that has been posted to my wall that may give me the approximate GEO coordinates of my kids that will only be considered usable for the next 12 seconds.

 You know what, by the time you have read this it will all be outdated and my kids will be in their 50’s…… This makes we wish were back in the days of the…….. Exhibit m

You old folks will get the joke…..