Actual laws on the books in our fine country, may we keep them with all hell breaks loose……
It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone’s pity.
It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine
It’s illegal to clam at night in Connecticut
In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches
It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels
And the best part of all the above laws is that SOMEBODY must have done them for there to be a law about them….
Exhibit #1 – Costa Concordia capsizes on Friday the 13th
As unfortunate as this event may be, the most disturbing part has to be how these 2 slept through it…… A sign the world may have ended…..
I think Leslie Nielsen said it best…
I am working on a short story/Novella/Ranting that will get you in the mood for the coming season, encompassing both the Holiday spirit and the impending terror that is the end of the World…..
This will either get you in the mood for Christmas, or create a panic that will cause to feel like looting your local hardware store. It may fill you with joy or get you arrested.
Enjoy your last weekend on the planet. Unless of course nothing happens than you can go back to watching football….
Join us this year for a once in a lifetime event, as we revel in the joyful sounds of a Mayan Christmas. This concert as we all know is coming on December 21st, and will include many of your Christmas favorites :
All I want for Christmas is a Shotgun with unlimited ammunition
Away in a Cave one mile beneath the Earth
It’s beginning to look alot like Armageddon
Deck the Fallout Shelter
Hark ! The Solar Flares Sing
O Come all Ye Doomsday Preppers
Martial Law is coming to Town
The Twelve Days of Looting and Plundering
Militia we have Heard on High
And The All Time Classic : We Three Zombies
Guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye, and some panic in your heart.
It appears the usual Christmas shows have been edited this year to coincide with the end of the world, now only 2 weeks away. Ratings are expected to skyrocket unless you have destroyed your TV in a fit of panic. On the schedule this year :
Santa’s not coming to town due to the Poles Shifting – North Pole becomes South Pole in this madcap adventure. The highlight of the show is Santa’s solo at the end “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout I’m telling you why, the Earth’s poles have shifted and we’re all going to die !!
Frosty the Planet – A quick little show set in a small town where the citizens make snowmen just as the sun explodes, plummeting the Planet into an instant ice cube. Not much singing in this one !
The Mayans that stole Christmas – Cindy Lou Who gets screwed in this semi dark story of the season as the Christmas roast beast get ruined right before the big day. Whoville is pissed as they gather to say, couldn’t you kill us off before a different holiday ?
A Charlie Brown Fallout Shelter – The Peanuts gang forgoes the annual Christmas play to gather in subterranean caves, learning to forage for food, and discover the magic of killing with your bare hands. Pretty much like any episode of Doomsday Preppers, only with little kids and a cheery Christmas theme.
And finally, the highlight of all in Rudolph the red assed Reindeer. Guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes as Rudy realizes his red nose spreads to other areas. In this version Hermie takes on the role of proctologist and saves the day with Yukon Cornelius’ pick axe. Don’t ask…..Ok, this has nothing to do with the end of the world but I laughed my ass off when I thought of it….
Enjoy the shows, they may be your last !!
UPDATE: NASA scientists have reportedly confirmed that the planet Nibiru will collide with Earth in November of this year.
The Nibiru collision with Earth in 2012 has been predicted for a long time, but astrophysicists, cosmologists, mathematicians, librarians, beauticians, physicians, nutritionists, botanists, lobotomists and astronomers around the world have now come to a consensus that Earth will indeed collide with the planet, which lies just outside Pluto.
In other news, the Cleveland Meth Heads have won the World Series
Butter is declared good for you, and can also be used to make explosives
Football is now considered dangerous for your health but will continue because people still like it and it makes tons of cash
Dogs are smarter than humans, they are just fucking with us
And on the human interest side of news, there is none.
This breaking news has been brought to you by the residents of Nibiru, whose motto is : We’re not here to make friends. Annihilation is our middle name.
I am in a bit of a pickle. We are 3 weeks away from Christmas, and while I should be preparing for that fine day, I can’t get out of my head that the world may end 4 days prior.
Shall I deck the halls with boughs of holly, or stockpile firearms after the world is destroyed ?
Do I spread Christmas cheer for all to see and hear, or do I run for the hills screaming obscenities and prepare to meet my maker ?
I could go a wassailing among the leaves so green, or I could dig a trench fill it with cement and cower in there eating nuts and berries for the next 5 years.
Perhaps some cheery Christmas cards of me and the family smiling and wishing glad tidings and to all a good night, or a quick note to all to prepare yourself to be eaten by zombies ?
Such is my quandary, do I prepare for this ?
Or this ?
Merry Christmas Charlie Brown ?
Or get the fuck to an underground shelter Charlie Brown ?
More to come, or will there be ?