Squirrel Zombie Apocalypse

Is it bad that the world could end in less than 2 months ?  Sure, I guess so.

Is it even worse that we have an unprecedented storm about to hit us that could knock out power for days, rendering us unable to use social media ?   You bet it is ….

But you know what the worst is ?  Squirrels taking over the world.  Don’t believe me ? Exhibit A :  One of their leaders terrorizing a neighborhood for days.  It all looks funny and innocent, right   ?

Yes, that’s right, zombie squirrels are taking over the world, and they will do it when the power is out this week..  Do not go outdoors, and arm yourself.   Rumor is their next target is the stock market..  Watch for it this week.

What are we doing here at home ? Wearing squirrel heads as protection so they do not read our minds.   For proof, here is my dog Summer wearing the latest in squirrel protective headgear..

Good luck to all this week, and if you do lose power, beware the mighty squirrel !!

Tom

Nothing is funnier than the truth…

Lama Mia!

Closed captioning attributes four-letter word to the Dalai Lama

Did His Holiness just say “f**k it”?

At least that’s what a stenographer thought while transcribing the Dalai Lama’s speech last night on a video feed above the holy man’s head.

While the Tibetan leader urged an audience of Brown University students in downtown Providence, Rhode Island, to help spread his message of peace, the closed captioning read that if there’s “not much interest, then fuck it.”

An audience member who supplied The Daily with the above photographic evidence said the Dalai Lama actually said, “forget it.”

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After the speech, the Lamster was seen partying in downtown Providence with the town’s finest townspeople, regaling them with inspirational quotes and timeless nuggets of wisdom.  He was also starving for a fucking hot dog, or so it is rumored……

 

 

Parable for a Sunday

The Salesman

A young Salesperson was disappointed. He had lost an important sale. In discussing the matter with the Sales Manager, the young man shrugged. “I guess,” he said “it just proves you can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink.” “Son,” said the Sales Manager, “let me give you a piece of advice: your job is not to make him drink. It’s to make him thirsty.”

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But after 10 minutes just give the horse the water.. Don’t be a cruel prick….

It’s a Saturday, time for Things Could be Worse

You could be breast feeding a dog  !!

US woman breastfeeds dog to feel ‘motherly’

WASHINGTON: A mother of two in the US, who couldn’t breastfeed her children, is now fulfilling her maternal desire by breastfeeding a family pug. Terri Graham, 44, from California has breastfed her 9-year-old daughter’s dog, Spider, for the past two years, since the pug licked the top of a baby bottle and seemed to like it.

Graham said that she knows some people might consider her a ‘freak’, but insisted that her breastfeeding nourishes the dog, and makes her feel like a better mom.

Graham explained that she couldn’t breastfeed her children due to a breast condition. “Having Spider suckle on my boob means I finally feel complete and a better mother,” the Huffington Post quoted Graham as telling Closer magazine.

She claimed that the dog developed a taste for breast milk in 2010 after licking the nipple of a bottle she had pumped for her then newborn son.

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Now I am not a woman, but let me ask all of you who are,  there has to be at least 500 other ways to feel motherly, isn’t there ?    I also heard the dog developed a taste for human flesh, so she fed her husband to the dog….  Rumor has it deranged men are now lining up… Here’s 2 examples.

 

 

Parable for a Friday

Creation – A Sioux Indian Story

The Creator gathered all of Creation and said, “I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realization that they create their own reality.” The eagle said, “Give it to me, I will take it to the moon.” The Creator said, “No. One day they will go there and find it.” The salmon said, “I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean.” “No. They will go there too.” The buffalo said, “I will bury it on the Great Plains.” The Creator said, “They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there.” Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes, said, “Put it inside of them.” And the Creator said, “It is done.”

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Now get out their and create your own reality.  Start by getting a mole as a pet…

The world’s coming to an end ? Stop drinking Coke !

‘End of capitalism’: Bolivia to expel Coca-Cola in wake of 2012 Mayan ‘apocalypse’

The impoverished nation of Bolivia is making headlines due to its Minister of External Affairs recent announcement that the Coca-Cola Company, one of the world’s largest corporations, is to be booted out of there by year’s end.

David Choquehuanca, the minister in question, explained that Coca-Cola will be expelled from Bolivia on the same day that the Mayan calendar enters a new cycle–December 21. According to Choquehuanca, the date marks the end of capitalism and the start of a culture of life in community-based societies.

“The twenty-first of December 2012 is the end of selfishness, of division. The twenty-first of December has to be the end of Coca-Cola and the beginning of mocochinche (a local peach-flavored soft drink),” Choquehuanca told reporters at a political rally for Bolivia’s president, Evo Morales. “The planets will line up after 26,000 years. It is the end of capitalism and the beginning of communitarianism,” he added.

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Good for them !  I am going to do the same thing.  I will abolish all liquids from our household on December 21st and start to drink my own concoction,  Chocomocanikini, made of bread and shoe leather.  Its the end of capitalism and the beginning of Fritzicommunabotchulism.   I will also proclaim that we all begin to wear watermelon as our underwear . There will be much rejoicing in the streets, true freedom will be felt,  and we can eat fruit in our shorts…