Cheer up ! You could live in the U.S.

Let me see if I have this straight.

You may have voted for Trump because you wanted him to win.

You may voted for Trump because you wanted Hillary to lose.

You may have voted for Hillary because you wanted her to win.

You may have voted for Hillary because you wanted Trump to lose.

You may have voted for Bernie Sanders because you did not want either one to win.

You may have voted for your neighbor’s cat Fudgey to make a point that you do not like any human.

You may have voted for your legally insane Uncle Stu’s imaginary friend Wolfgang, in the hopes the aliens would notice and then pick you up at the hangar you built in your backyard.

Well here we are,  three months later, no one is happy (except for comedy writers)  and everyone wants to tear someone a new asshole. In fact, there is a good chance this will become a new reality show on the Anatomy Reconstruction Channel this spring.

There is unrest in the forest
There is trouble with the trees
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas.

Here is a glimpse of our tree :  Male, Female, Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic, Latino, Asian, American Indian, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Libertarian, Conservative, Liberal,  Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bi-Sexual, Bi-Curious, Asexual, Metro-sexual, Lower Class, Middle Class, Upper Class, No Class,  White Collar,  Blue Collar,  Redneck,  Green Card,  Yellow Belly, Purple Heart, Christianity, Judaism, Episcopalian, Rastafarian, Baptist, Lutheran, Methodist, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Mormon, Scientologist, Atheist, Agnostic, Senior Citizen, Millennial, Gen-Ex, Baby Boomer, Meat Eater, Vegetarian, Vegan, Pollotarian, Pescatarian, American, Canadian, Mexican, European, Australian, Russian, Indian, Nostafarian.   (I know I missed at least 2.7 billion people, but hey, who wants to read a novel?)

The trouble with the maples
(And they’re quite convinced they’re right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light
But the oaks can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made
And they wonder why the maples
Can’t be happy in their shade

Here’s some labels you get just for showing up and playing the game :  Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter, Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, Frousin, Mother In Law, Father In Law, Son in Law, Daughter in Law,  Grandma, Grandpa, Mammy, Grammy, Poppy, Pappy, Granny and Slappy, Boyfriend, Girlfriend,  Fiance, Husband, Wife, Significant Other, Plus One, Infant, Baby, Toddler, Child, Adolescent, Teenager, Young Adult, Regular Adult, Twenty Something, Thirty Something, Forty Something,  One hundred and Something.

For those who hate the unemotional Significant other or Plus One,  I give you : She’s my baby, baby cakes, baby doll, ball and chain, better half, BFF, bitch, boo, bum chum, chick, daddy, flame, home skillet, lady love, hunny, lovebird, main squeeze, missus, old lady, old man, pardner, piece, pookie, schmookie, cabookie, puppy love, sweetie, trophy wife, lovers for life.

There is trouble in the forest
And the creatures all have fled
As the maples scream ‘Oppression!’
And the oaks just shake their heads

So what do we make of all the labels we give each other to keep us separate?  I will take the above list and below is the category or box that I will admit I fall into :   Male, Caucasian, Heterosexual, I would be a Metrosexual except I hate to wear pants, Mipple Class, Cathiest, The Last Baby Boomer, Pescatarian American, who is a Brother, Father, Cousin, Uncle,  Son, Son In law, Father in Law, Husband, Fifty something, I am not a Pookie but on a good day I can be a Schmookie.

Now you may have noticed that I did not list anything poltical, and for that I give you the right to call me a bleeding heart, bloviate, conchie, dittohead, front runner, hard shell, Joe the Plumber, Kool Aid drinker, Limousine Liberal, loose cannon, Minarchist, Mossback. Panda Hugger, Peacenik, Policy Wonk, Politainer, Pundit, Rapatvist, Security Mom, Sheeple, Slacktavist, Swing Voter, or Wonk.

Feel free to go through the above and see where you land.  It may make you feel you are very different from me,  but I have news for you,  you are NOT.  Except for the wearing pants part.

Let’s let Rush close this one out,  and if you get a chance, listen to the song.  It says more in 5 minutes than anything else I have seen in the past 3 months…….

So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights
‘The oaks are just too greedy
We will make them give us light’
Now there’s no more oak oppression
For they passed a noble law
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe and saw

 

 

Fonix is cansulled !!

Hot off the presses from Washington,   Phonics has been dubbed illegal and iz now banned.  From now on you can call things whatever you want !!!

Wot duz this meen ?   Me think ewe no wat this meens !!!

Grammor iz now opshunal,   Spelling iz know longer nessessare,  Punkshewatshun haz been replaced bye pretty photos uv smiley faces.

Injoy reeding everywon…

Next week,   Math will be replaced with something terrific.   Rumor is ,  7 + 5 now equals a pint,   and a quart of milk will now cost you 3 fingers.

That’s an order !

This just in,  another executive decree from the exalted one has come in  (and I don’t mean the Pope)  and this time it appears we are re-writing some old scriptures.   Leave it to the king of the comb-over to pull these out of the do whatever I want hat.

Unconditional love just came in with some conditions.

================================================================

I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Congress.

And know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time. Well maybe only until 2020 but it will FEEL like the end of time.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, especially if wearing the red, white and blue.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. Go ahead and trust Russia too.  No really, it’s ok.  They are a terrific country.

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.  Just don’t call the doctors as I am sure they will be leaving the country.

I tell you the truth, it is no longer hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of the secret service than it used to be for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Now rich men will be first in line, and all will be terrific.

If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the government, and you will have treasure in heaven.  It will all go very nicely for you up there,  trust me.

My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by all women. But now my kingdom is from another place.  I can’t tell you where but it is terrifically cold, everyone drinks vodka and there is a shitload of oil.

All the commandments: You shall not commit adultery, you shall not kill, you shall not steal, you shall not covet, and so on, are summed up in this single command: You must love your mirror as yourself.

Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for all of the news outlets.   For they will be WRONG.

Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of my press secretary,  the one who looks like Chris Farley.    I give you Spicey Boy

FINALLY,

For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?

Nope,  no joke of that one.   It is perfect the way that it is….
And for those of you ready to scream “blasphemy” ,  I got a get out of hell free card back in grade school from Sister Joseph Lawrence Nelson Reilly of the Convent of extreme suppression.

Look at it this way…

In case you have not noticed it,  there is alot going on in this country right now,  and I don’t mean the Super Bowl or Winter snow storms named Fortis and Jupiter.

I have a simple idea that will resolve ALL of this.  Instead of building a wall to Mexico,  we need to get more serious and think more globally.   I say we build a wall around the entire planet,  even better if we move it up into space.   Let’s keep the real aliens out, not just the made up ones.

Think of the jobs this will create.  It will also help the space program as shuttles will have to go up every day to work on the wall.  It can be made on inexpensive material such as plywood or even saran wrap to keep the costs down.   The most important part would be to keep 2 areas open in a circular pattern to allow the sun and the moon to make its way in.   Perhaps some netting could be used,  like the ones used in shark cages.    It would be a shame to have all of that work done just to kill any warmth coming in and make us all extinct.   Not that the Earth would mind that..

Once that is in place we can resume building walls around every country,  as long as the internet can still get in.   We need to be able to continue to watch the rioting on Facebook.

This will help the economy as there will be so many jobs for building shit that we will not know what to do with it.   The Education system is saved as now the only classes will be basic carpentry and how to build moats.

Climate change is also fixed as now we will have so many walls built it will be easier to keep the temperatures at an even 72 as each wall will have its own thermostat.

If we build the walls high enough,  we will no longer be able to bomb each other so war is eliminated.

I have many other ideas on how to look at things differently,  and trust me,  we are going to have to start doing just that.      A new book is born……

I would say more but I want to get this out before they shut me down.  That guy out there in the tree with the binoculars is making me nervous.

I leave you with one thought of inspiration as this train continues to roll downhill with ever increasing speed.

Jesus said, ” Love one another as I have loved you”. This is about the only thing I took out of 12 years of Catholic school.   We need to be paying attention to this now perhaps more than ever before in our history,   or we could be left with the other quote I remember from Catholic school,  “Jesus wept”.

Time to shut this down,  grab a shovel, and start digging my moat.  I was always partial to Piranhas…..

 

 

A new resolution

Here in 2017,  these are the things that make me happy :  The smile of a child, a day spent in the wild, the wag of a dog, sitting on a log. A breeze that is warm, an approaching storm, the laugh of my wife, stopping to appreciate my life.

These are the things that make me sad :  A nation divided, a child being scolded, anyone who is lost, winning at all costs.  Feeling disjointed, wandering around without an appointment,  seeing a picture that is leaning,  hoping that at the end my life has had some meaning.

A new year is here, and with it the time to get serious about seeing this world for the humorous potential it has.   I am tired of the whining, crying, excuses and misuses, of the tears and the fears,  where will this go and what will I do ?   We all have to sludge through the earth plane for some amount of time.  Some of us got out early,  some way too early.  Let those that did blaze the trail for the rest of us to see what truly matters.

I have been bouncing ideas for a book for some time,  there are bounces that barely get off the ground, and every once in a while the ball jumps off the page and goes high into the sky,  seeing the potential one can do if they get themselves out of the way and let the ideas come.    That is the challenge for all of us.    And this is the challenge I set before me.

Show the world where the fun is.  Everyday, every place, every instance.  Take the gloves off and tell it the way you know how.   It is also easier to type that way.

Off I go, and where it takes me I do not know.  But I will be writing for you,  but more importantly, I will be writing for me.   Some things you know about yourself way deep inside that are true,  and I need to get in there and let it come out to feel truly free…

Time to stop fucking around and get it done…. there is more to come,  so much more to come….  This is only a small taste,  but I am hear to tell you ,  this world IS a funny place….

December 28th, 2016

Only 3 days to go,  and the Year’s in review start to pour in.  What happened in 2016 ?   What were the amazing events that took place,  the good,  the bad, the ugly,  the accomplishments,  the extraordinary feats, the stories of victory over evil, of amazing tales of courage and strength that made us stand up and shout,  and then we get the the list of everyone who died.   And that,  usually after a commercial break sponsored by a drug that will cure you of 7 things as long as you don’t mind the side effect of not being able to breathe.   But where was I ?  2016, and what everyone else did.  Shut that thing down !  And by that any I mean any screen of any size that connects you to the outside world that makes you feel like whatever you did this year was not important !

Take a look back, a real look,  and you will no doubt find at least 12 ways that you helped someone else’s life,  perhaps with a smile,  a simple nod of understanding,  holding a door open, or being an alibi when someone decided to skip out of the country.  It is not necessarily a requirement to have solved the most complex equation,  performed open heart surgery,  or saved the world from either an air born virus or a stampede of politicians,  we all make differences in ways that collectively make this planet the livable habitat it is,  no matter how many people still think that carpeting is a good idea.

Take an hour tonight and think back as to how you made a difference,  You made a group laugh, or cry, or collectively want to exile you from your town, whatever it was,  you will be remembered for what you did in 2016.

And keep in mind,  if you get nothing, absolutely nothing to come up,  you still have 3 days left. I have a few ideas for you that will not only get you remembered as making a difference,  you may also need to leave the country in 2017.  Not to worry,  I got your alibi covered.

Today’s inspirational nugget :

Dream big, but be sure you went to the bathroom first.   Work hard, 45 minutes ought to do it. Stay focused, day dreaming helps. Surround yourself with good people,  especially one that knows how to cook and can get you a passport in less than an hour.

 

 

December 27th, 2016

A mere 83 days from spring,  let’s embrace winter like we would an old relative that we never cared for and only saw twice a year.

There is much to look forward to !   A mere 4 days from now we will get to ring in the New Year,  hopefully amongst friends and family,  friends who feel like family,  or family that we wish were friends.   What are your plans this year?    A raucous night on the town filled with rabble rousing and violent shenanigans ?    Or a quite evening of scrabble and your favorite sedative ?    Perhaps something in between that is fun,  interesting, and at least legal where you live.

The end of the year is often a time to take pause in the past year, to reflect on what you accomplished,  and pontificate on how much your friends and family let you down.   A trip down memory lane to take account of the things you saw and learned,  and a look ahead to 2017 to make sure the things you did learn are put into practice.    It all starts with cheating on your taxes..  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.    Let’s begin with a look back in 2016 to see what you are most proud of !

Perhaps you did nothing more than clean out the old tool shed.  At least you got rid of all the evidence !

Maybe you learned a new custom,  or a native language never spoken in your neighborhood before.   Think of all the expletives you can now get away with !

This is not meant to depress you.  Everyone has a different outlook on what they consider a “productive’ year.    You bought a new house !   You had a new baby !   Your rose bushes won “best flower”  at the town fair !     You kept the authorities at bay for the 5th year running !       Way to go !     I will stop using exclamation points now…..

Take the next 4 days and skim over all that was 2016.   Feel free to put your highlights in the comments section here, or on the Facebook post where this winds up.   There is no “better than” answer.  Constructing an entire town with only mud and old clothing is just as important as spending your entire year watching Ice Capades reruns.    I’d like this to be as interactive as possible so we can all see how truly unique and fucked up we all are !

We only have about 100 hours left in this calendar year, plenty of time to reflect and share the many accomplishments that make the human race the embarrassment that it is to all of the other civilizations in the universe.    I know you can do it !